TV Land
by Merula
Summary: OOC, AU The G-boys get stuck in a marathon of classic TV shows. Risque humor. Seventh epi. up
1. Twilight Zone

Usual disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing. I am merely torturing the boys for a while. I also do not own the Twilight Zone, all though sometimes it feels like I am stuck there as well.  
  
TV Land  
  
In the beginning, there was darkness, and it was good. A low hum permeated the heavens and there was suddenly light. This too was good. What was not so good was the reception. The TV screen was all wavy and out of focus. Duo gave the set a good thump. Nothing seemed to happen.  
  
"Hey Heero, do you know anything about TV's?"  
  
"They rot your brain," Heero replied curtly.  
  
Duo threw Heero his best pout. "C'mon, be a pal, TV Land is having a marathon of 20th century programming. You know it will keep me quiet for hours."  
  
"Very well. I'll help you rot your brain just this once, so that maybe I can get my reports done and get to bed before midnight."  
  
"All right," Duo cheered. "You're the best."  
  
Heero walked over the back of the TV and flipped open the access panel. With a grunt, he began fiddling with the receiver inside, hoping he could boost the reception. He could tell what type of progress he was making by the type of squeals or moans his partner made.  
  
"Almost there, just a little more . . . " Duo's rapt voice coaxed.  
  
Unfortunately, that was the exact moment the other three pilots decided to come storming into the room. The sudden noise made Heero flinch and threw the picture out of whack once more. Duo wailed in lament.  
  
"Aww man, it was almost perfect Heero," Duo moaned.  
  
Wufei cocked an eyebrow at the pair, "Are we interrupting something important?"  
  
"I'll say you are," Duo grumbled, "you're interrupting my classic TV fest."  
  
"Classic and TV are two words that should never go together," Quatre quipped as he sat on the couch. "It is a word best used to describe art, not pop culture."  
  
"TV is art," Duo declared climbing atop his righteous soap box. "Why I defy you to name one show that lacks taste and culture."  
  
"For Love or Money," Trowa stated flatly.  
  
"Temptation Island," Quatre offered.  
  
"American Idol, " Wufei grimaced.  
  
"Fear Factor," Heero grunted.  
  
"OK, OK, even I have to admit that reality TV was not the height of culture, but why dismiss the entire genre because of one bad marketing idea. I bet if you sat and watched some of these gems from the 20th you would change your opinion."  
  
"I doubt it," Wufei said scornfully.  
  
"If it's not too much trouble," Heero said with just a hint of sarcasm, "I could use a hand with this TV. Duo has promised me a quiet evening if I could get the idiot box working for him, and believe me, Duo and quiet are two words that are almost impossible to get together. I almost had it working when you three came in and set me back ten minutes. The least you could do is help me fix the damage."  
  
"I have to admit you got me there," Quatre shrugged, "I didn't think he came with a mute button."  
  
"It is only just that we help undo this wrong," Wufei said rising.  
  
"Duo . . . silent, this is something I would have to hear to believe," Trowa added joining the others.  
  
Heero took up his post once more behind the TV. Wufei took command of the tool box keeping one hand near it and the other near Heero to receive any unwanted tools. Trowa and Quatre took up positions on either side of the TV and took hold of the dish the rested on top. Duo sat and watched with childlike fascination the four pilots working in sync like a well oiled machine.  
  
"Hey if this was a TV show, something funny would happen right now." he said with a mischievous grin.  
  
Now, it is a well known fact that one should never tempt fate. Duo's untimely pronouncement set into motion one of the great cosmic jokes that is still laughed about in certain circles today. You see, space maybe infinite, but its tolerance for boredom is not. So sometimes when some fool cooks up with some silly what if scenario like; What if some planet far away was unstable and exploded and it's sole survivor got some kind of super power from our Sun, or What if a mediocre actor from Austria runs against a governor that no one likes and gets him kicked out of office; the cosmos takes an interest. Sometimes the cosmos decides: OK, let's see what would happen. This is what is known as tempting fate.  
  
So here we have four well meaning guys around a malfunctioning TV, each guy has more technical know-how then an engineer. The fifth member of the group spits out the what if that is so ludicrous, that it might provide the cosmos a little entertainment. It was simply too good a situation to pass up. Each of the four was too engrossed in trying to fix the set to notice the slight shimmer that surrounded them. Duo, on the other hand, did.  
  
"Hey guys, something funny is going on," he said uncertainly.  
  
"Yeah, we're doing all the work and you're just sitting there offering criticism," Wufei reprimanded. "Don't you think that helping us might be the smart thing to do?"  
  
"Heero . . ."  
  
"I'm busily fixing the TV, Duo," Heero scolded.  
  
"Quatre . . . Trowa, surely you must see . . ." Duo stammered.  
  
"That Wufei is right?" Trowa replied.  
  
"You truly are being something less then helpful?" Quatre added.  
  
"Actually I was referring to that . . . "  
  
A bright flash filled the room and the world lost all its color. A man stepped out onto the gray background, his suit and tie as impeccable as his accent.  
  
"Good evening ladies and gentlemen. What you are about to see is a land beyond sight and sound. A land where reality is not exactly what is seems. A land called: the TV Zone. Tonight I'm pleased to bring you five young boys, each amazing in their own way. They have been brought here by a silly boy's obsession with old television programs, and a bored cosmos looking for a few laughs on a Friday night. Our first show is set, appropriately enough, in my dimension."  
  
The world goes black for a brief moment, and then comes back in vivid black and white. It is the interior of an airplane. It's passengers are sitting motionless, as if awaiting their cue to move. Our intrepid narrator from the previous paragraph continues his narration in his best deadpan voice.  
  
"Picture, if you will, an average commercial plane trip. Just one of hundreds of trips through the airy heights bringing weary passengers a little closer to home. Tonight's flight is the exception, for tonight we have on board five young men, who have a date with, The Twilight Zone."  
  
The camera zooms in on Duo Maxwell, looking out of the airplane window.  
  
" . . . that guy on the wing of our plane," Duo said finishing his sentence.  
  
He stopped short at that statement, and took a quick inventory of himself and his surroundings. Plane . . . check, sport coat and tie . . . check, distinctive lack of color anywhere to be seen . . . check. Carefully he rubbed his eyes and looked outside again. Man on wing with oversized pants and an umbrella poking around engine #3 . . . check. All right, it was official, he was losing all touch with reality. He turned to man sitting next to him with his head buried in the paper.  
  
"Pardon me sir, but do you happen to see a man out on our wing with a small pointed umbrella and oversized pants poking around at our engine?" Duo asked with a strained voice.  
  
"No," replied a strangely familiar voice.  
  
"But you haven't even looked yet," Duo protested  
  
"I'm not planning on looking either," the man's voice said with a hint of annoyance.  
  
"But you have to look, I need to know if I'm sane or not," Duo wheedled.  
  
"If you are seeing a man on the wing of an airplane in flight, I would think it's safe to say you are not visiting the realm of sanity."  
  
"I know that tone, it's you, isn't it Heero Yuy?" Duo asked a sense of relief creeping into his voice as he drew the shade on the window.  
  
"Yes Duo, I thought you would have recognized the tone of my voice by now. I certainly haven't forgotten yours," grunted Heero turning the page of his paper.  
  
"If you knew it was me then why didn't you bother to look out the window when I asked you to Heero?"  
  
"Because I know I was definitely not reading the paper a few moments ago. I was fixing our television set so you could watch TV. Now I'm wearing clothing that I don't own, reading a paper that I don't recognize and wondering what the hell is going on. If I look out your window to see this 'man,' then I will be forced to admit that I am, indeed, somewhere I have no right to be. Denial is easier if you don't have all the facts in front of you."  
  
"In-justice," came the horrified cry from somewhere behind them.  
  
"It's Wufei, " Duo cried happily, "He must be here too!"  
  
"I have no idea what you are talking about," Heero grunted. "We are all still in the apartment."  
  
Marching up the hallway was the funniest looking sight Duo had ever seen. It was Wufei. He was dressed in a cute two-piece blouse and skirt set, matching pumps, and Duo noted with a smirk, nylons. A scarf was tied fetchingly about his neck and a little cap with a plastic pair of wings pinned to it was perched at a jaunty angle on his head. His name badge read Woofie, head stewardess. It had to be the funniest thing he had seen in a quite a while. Duo giggled as Woofie noted the braided boy's stare. Wufei looked somewhat less then amused as he stormed towards the two of them.  
  
"Best watch out Heero, this stewardess looks like a real ball breaker," Duo giggled as he sat down again.  
  
Heero did his best to ignore the bouncing baka sitting next to him. He tried to turn to the next page when someone snatched the paper from his grasp. Heero turned to see who took his last line of defense, only to wish he had it back once more.  
  
"Maxwell, what in the name of creation have you done to me?" Wufei demanded in a feral tone, brandishing Heero's paper at the braided boy. "I am dressed like some weak onna, and three separate men fondled me while I walked from the back of this plane to the front. I don't know how you did this, but I know somehow you did it."  
  
"Wufei, I'm glad you're here, I want you to see something." Duo said sliding the window shade up.  
  
The face that filled the window was horrible in the extreme. Half of it was ghostly white with a horrific smile, seemingly fixed there with some evil purpose, the other side looked, well, it looked a lot like a very windblown Trowa. In fact, Duo realized, the other side of Trowa's face was covered by that circus mask he liked to wear while performing.  
  
"What the hell are you doing out on the wing Trowa?" Duo asked incredulously.  
  
"Baka," Heero scolded, tearing his gaze from Wufei. "If that is Trowa on the wing, he sure as hell can't hear you."  
  
"Yeah," Duo countered lamely, "Well, I was counting on his ability to read lips."  
  
"Can you read lips?" Heero asked.  
  
"Well... no," Duo admitted.  
  
"Then why do you always expect everyone else to?"  
  
"Because I think it is a very useful talent that everyone should know," Duo stated matter of factly. "I plan to learn just as soon as I can find the time to take classes.  
  
Heero rolled his eyes and turned back to Wufei, "Chang, you look . . . cute?"  
  
"In-justice," Wufei roared and stormed off towards the cockpit.  
  
"If it makes you feel any better Heero, I thought he looked pretty good in that getup myself. I'm kind of envious of the guys who got the cheap feel back in coach."  
  
"You are a sick man Duo," Heero said shaking his head. He turned back to the window. Trowa was back out at the engines poking at them with the umbrella again. "If it makes you feel any better, I see Trowa on the wing too."  
  
Duo was lost in his own train of thought muttering to himself, "If Trowa is on the wing, Heero and I are in First Class, and Wufei's in drag, then that can only mean one thing ... Quatre must be here somewhere!!"  
  
The last sentence was barely out of his lips when a familiar voice came over the PA, "Attention passengers, we seem to be experiencing some troubles with the number three engine. We will be making an emergency landing at . . . "  
  
"Did you hear that Heero? That was Quatre. He must be flying the plane. Isn't that great? We are all here safe and sound. . . . Heero what's wrong?"  
  
Heero's face had gone ashen as watched Trowa, "He's trying to bring this plane down, isn't he?"  
  
"Well duh, that's his job," Duo said rolling his eyes. "If he's having engine problems what else do you expect him to do?"  
  
"He is trying to kill us all . . ." Heero continued murmuring, ignoring the babbling Duo  
  
"C'mon now, you and I both know that Quatre's a better pilot then that Heero."  
  
"I have to stop him before he kills us all. I have to stop him, I have to."  
  
"I never realized that you had so little faith in his piloting, I guess he is only a mediocre pilot compared to us, but still, this is no Gundam Heero," Duo said casting a grin towards Heero's seat. "How hard could flying this relic be?"  
  
He was answered by silence a blast of decompression as the cabin's air pressure began to drop.  
  
Duo shrugged, "I guess you were right after all, he really is a bad pilot."  
  
He turned to see where Hero was, only to find him several rows back in an emergency harness trying to aim his gun out the recently opened emergency exit at something on the wing. Duo paused as a light went on inside his head.  
  
"Oh I get it! It was Trowa! You meant Trowa was trying to kill us, "Duo shouted smacking his head with the heel of his hand. "Boy do I feel stupid. I totally should have picked up on that one."  
  
At that moment Wufei came staggering down the aisle headed towards Heero who has firing his gun into the howling void. Duo moved into Heero's seat as Wufei passed and he slid to his feet to join him. The two of them made it halfway back when Wufei stopped suddenly and turned to glare at Duo.  
  
"It wasn't me!" Duo protested, "It was that pervert there," he said pointing at a priest sitting beside a row of nuns.  
  
Wufei shook his head and continued forward. With a coy smile, Duo continued close behind. Suddenly the wind stopped and Wufei fell backwards on top of Duo. Duo fell back too but not before he managed to strategically place his hands in the optimal location for catching the falling pilot.  
  
"Maxwell!!" Wufei growled  
  
"Hey, you fell on me remember? I was just trying to catch you and break your fall. Hey why to you suppose the wind stopped?" Duo asked trying to change the subject.  
  
"Because I closed the door," Heero said stepping over them.  
  
"Did you get him?" Duo asked.  
  
"No, the little monkey was too fast to me," Heero growled, "and besides the wind kept throwing off my aim."  
  
"Good for Trowa, I always liked him," Duo grinned.  
  
"This is the Captain speaking, "Quatre's voice came over the loud speakers, "We here at Winner Air would like to apologize for that spot of decompression, and would like to further remind passengers that the doorways are to be used by the flight attendants only. Please refrain from taking in any more 'fresh air' as it is disturbing to the rest of the passengers. Thank you."  
  
"God Quatre is smooth. Don't you think so Woofie?"  
  
"You will remove your hands this instant or I . . . "  
  
The scene froze as the narrator steps out without so much as a hair out of place.  
  
"We leave you with this 'touching' scene and a small reminder. When flying high up in an airplane, there is no such thing as fresh air, although there is such a thing as fresh passengers. Thank you all, and goodnight."  
  
Stay tuned next week when Quatre says, "My God Trowa, it's the biggest one I've ever laid my hands on."  
  



	2. Batman

Usual disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing, I am merely torturing the boys (Wufei especially) for a while. I also do not own Batman. But I do own the Batmobile with cool sidecar splitting action!  
  
TV Land Part II,  
  
" . . . will flog you within an inch of your life with this whip." Wufei finished brandishing a black leather bullwhip in his left hand.  
  
Duo broke out into a riot of maniacal laughter, as Wufei gripped the leather tighter. Heero shook his head and scratched the back of his leg with his cane. He never would understand Duo, even a blind man could tell that Wufei was serious about his threat, and it was never wise to anger a martial artist brandishing a weapon. Heero tapped his foot against the cane he was leaning on. Oh well, I guess Duo will have to learn the hard way . . . Heero froze. How did he manage to get a cane? He never used a cane, not even when he had set his own leg.  
  
"Gentlemen, I think it's happened again," Heero spoke flatly.  
  
The trio froze and surveyed their surroundings. A riot of colors swirled and pulsed about to room to a crazy disco beat. There were all manner of velour chairs and chaise lounges scattered about, but that was not the worst of it. In the center of the room stood the three very odd looking young men. Duo was dressed in a red suit and matching pinstriped pants, with a ruffled green shirt, and green flower in the lapel. His face was as white as a sheet with scarlet red lips that seemed to form a perpetual grin and lime green hair. To his right stood Heero, dressed entirely in green spandex with lavender mask and matching briefs, and a large purple question mark in his chest. His hair was hidden by a green derby and his white- gloved hands were leaning on a cane in the shape of a question mark. Wufei was dressed from the neck down in a black sequined one-piece body suit with matching gloves, and a cute silver belt and necklace. His hair was loose with a pair of cat ears nestled snugly within his bouffant locks. A small velvet mask was all he had left to preserve his dignity.  
  
"Hey Woofie, you look good in black," Duo smirked. "The heels are a nice touch too. Not every man can use accessories like that."  
  
"He's got a point Chang," Heero agreed, " I couldn't pull off heels and sequins, but on you it looks . . ."  
  
The whip cracked precariously close to Heero's head. "If you value yourrr looks you will not finish that sentence, " Wufei hissed. "And as for you Maxwell, if you don't find me something else to wearrr I will purrrsonally overrrr see yourrr tourrrrturrrre."  
  
Duo broke out into maniacal laughter once again, "Living classic TV is even better then watching it."  
  
"Does this mean you know were we are?" Heero asked.  
  
"Where is the zipperrr on this thing?" Asked Chang as he patted the front of the suit. Suddenly his hands paused at chest level when he realized he had more chest then he should have. "INJUSTICE!!!!!" came his horrified cry. "Not only am I forrrced to drrress like an onna, but I have to be stacked like one too?"  
  
This turned the heads of both the other pilots. Sure enough, Wufei filled out all of the curves of the cat suit. With a courteous tilt to his head, Heero reached out and grabbed Wufei's left breast and gave it a tentative squeeze. Not to be out done Duo grabbed he the right breast, his smile taking on more of a leering quality then before. Wufei's face flushed a deep red.  
  
"This is the most realistic silicone I've ever felt, "Heero assessed clinically. "It even feels warm to the touch."  
  
"You're absolutely right Heero," Duo chimed in excitedly giving his breast another squeeze.  
  
Wufei was shaking with anger, "Remove yourrr hands frrrom my chest this instant before I kill you both."  
  
The two pilots took a step back.  
  
"Jeez Woofie," Duo scoffed, "We were just having a bit of fun with you. It's not like they're real."  
  
Wufei turned almost purple, his body trembling with barley suppressed fury.  
  
"So it wasn't silicone after all," Heero stated. "Sorry Chang, I hope I didn't bruise you."  
  
"Whoa!!! You mean that bodacious rack was all Woofie?" Duo asked incredulously. "Dam Fei, you are going to have to save me a slot on your dance card."  
  
Heero shook his head and took a seat on the nearest sofa, trying to work out what to do next. Wufei was chasing Duo around the dance floor snapping his whip and trying to catch Duo. The Braided Baka was far quicker and not burdened with 4-inch stiletto heels. Hero would have to wait for his explanation of where they were until after Wufei got tired of chasing Duo. Once more he looked down at his costume. It wasn't his first choice of color, but he couldn't fault the material. Nothing was more comfortable then spandex. Setting himself comfortably into his chair, Heero waited for his explanation.  
  
A Spinning Bat Symbol fills the screen to the inane little beat of - Nana Nana Nana Na.  
  
Two costumed men are standing inside a large cavern filled with all sorts of strange memorabilia. One of the men is dressed in gray spandex with a blue cape and cowl. He has matching blue gloves and boots, a yellow "utility" belt and a black Bat Symbol on his chest. His counter-part was a riot of color, with his yellow cape, Red shirt, and green shoes and gauntlets. He wore a simple black mask over his eyes, although only one eye was visible since a swatch of hair covered the other.  
  
" . . . that's why you disabled engine number three," Quatre scolded, "just so I would know you were all right?"  
  
"Exactly," Trowa confirmed. "Also, it just kind of seemed like the right thing to do."  
  
"Didn't you think it might not be such a good idea to disable a jumbo jet filled with passengers while in flight?  
  
"Holy jump down my throat Quatre, I said I was sorry," Trowa exclaimed. "I mean what would you have done in my place if you had found yourself on the wing of a moving airplane with the freakish ability to ignore the wind tearing by at hundreds of miles per hour?"  
  
"I would have tried to get someone's attention and let them know of my predicament," Quatre said with righteous indignation.  
  
"Well I waved at Duo and told him if he didn't help me I was going to dismantle the engines, and he just drew the shade," Trowa murmured defensively  
  
"And do you honestly think he heard you?" Quatre said patronizingly, "He was only sitting inside a pressurized cabin."  
  
"I thought he could read lips!"  
  
"Can you read lips?" Quatre asked.  
  
"No, but I think it's a very useful skill and everyone should learn how, but that's beside the point. I went up and pressed my face against the glass and yelled so Duo could hear me, and I thought he did because he drew the shade. But all he did was stare at me for a moment, then return to his conversation."  
  
"So you disabled the engine."  
  
"Of course, " Trowa answered in a huff, his arms folded. "If you don't back your threats, no one will respect you."  
  
"No wonder Heero shot at you," Quatre said shaking his head. "Now, do you have any idea were we are now?"  
  
"Yes," Trowa sniffed, "we're in the Bat Cave."  
  
Quatre nodded sagely, then struck the other pilot upside the head. "I can see we are in a cave inhabited by bats, but that doesn't tell me where we are."  
  
Trowa shuddered and smiled at Quatre, "You haven't hit me like that in a long time, not since the time I accidentally bit your . . ."  
  
"I asked you not to bring that up again," Quatre blushed, "and anyway, we have other problems right now, like where are we and where are the others?"  
  
Trowa sighed, "Like I said before, we are in the bat cave. You are the Batman, and I am Robin, the boy wonder. The bat cave is located outside of Gotham City, and Gotham city resides only in comic books."  
  
"So you're trying to tell me that we are some kind of comic book?" Quatre asked incredulously.  
  
"No," Trowa sighed, "we are trapped in the zany TV spin-off where the super computer has typewriter keys, a series of flashing light bulbs, and spits out a string of adding machine tape that you somehow can magically read and use to solve crimes. You are the super sleuth, and I am you comic relief sidekick, sometimes referred to as the 'Boy Hostage.' Week after week we do battle with various 'Super Villains' and thanks to your sleuthing skills, we always save the day."  
  
"So let me get this straight, we are trapped in one of Duo's inane TV shows," Quatre asked.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"And I am the main character of this show, the hero if you will?"  
  
"Yes," Trowa nodded, "In fact, the show is titled Batman, after your character."  
  
"So it's basically all about me, and my superior brain power?"  
  
"And fighting skills, Yes." Trowa frowned, "Quatre, why are you getting that look in your eye?"  
  
"It's all about me," Quatre said, his masked face beaming with joy. "This one is all mine, you emotionless smug little jerk! In your face Heero Yuy, in this world you take a back seat to me and my Boy Wonderful. Oh you are so getting some tonight Trowa."  
  
Trowa's grin widened. "Can we keep the costumes on?"  
  
A Spinning Bat Symbol fills the screen to the inane little beat of - Nana Nana Nana Na once again.  
  
Wufei is standing bent over with his hands on his hips breathing hard. Duo has taken a mesmerized stance in front of Wufei, and is watching his chest heave with his heavy breathing. Heero, sitting comfortably on his sofa, has the opposite view. Both Pilots sigh in unison.  
  
"Riddle me this," Heero said with a smile, "When does the lovers moon show it's face in the daytime."  
  
"When celestial orbs meet them halfway?" Duo asked with a grin.  
  
"What . . . arrre . . . you two . . . babbling about . . . now?" Wufei panted.  
  
"Nothing," Duo sighed and strolled over to join Heero on his sofa.  
  
Heero tore his gaze away from Wufei and turned to the approaching Duo. "So, are you ready you tell us were we are and why we are dressed like this?"  
  
"Oh sure," Duo said with a shrug, "we seemed to be trapped within a classic TV show right now."  
  
"What?" Heero asked with an uplifted eyebrow.  
  
"Yes, Maxwell, . . . please trrry . . . to explain that . . . one again."  
  
Duo sighed, "I can only presume, based on the facts we have on hand. The facts are as follows: 1. This is a really cheesy hide out with an overly large skylight designed for a heroic entrance. 2. These costumes are so last century that I think the fibers used in them are now banned in our time. And 3. Wufei's new found femininity is a dead giveaway we aren't in Preventers barracks anymore. What does all this add up you say? A classic TV program from the mid twentieth century, one of the same programs I had been looking forward to watching this evening."  
  
"Do you know who or what we are supposed to be?" Heero asked with a spark of interest in his voice.  
  
"Oh yeah," Duo smirked, "We are the Super Villains of this show. "Wufei is the dreaded Catwoman, thief par-excellent, and seductress supreme. Thus his fuzzy ears and his love of rolling his rrr's. I am the Joker, A sociopathic genius who loves a good laugh."  
  
"Then I must be the brains of this outfit," Heero announced, "What is my name, the Question man?"  
  
"More like the . . . What Is He Thinking man," Wufei scoffed.  
  
"Actually, you are quite the brain," Duo announced. "You go by the alias of the Riddler, and you always offer a series of riddles to the hero in order to give him a fighting chance to stop you."  
  
"Why would I be so stupid as to give away my plans to one who could stop them? If I give out riddles they would be to confuse or mislead my enemies, not to help them."  
  
Duo paused, "Well, you raise a valid point, but the Riddler has quite the ego, and he likes matching wits with his enemy. You see, he truly believes he can out think his opponent and so he likes to taunt them with clues."  
  
Heero nodded sagely, "I understand, but I still think misleading riddles that lead away from the scene of the crime would be better."  
  
"That is because you lack honorrr Heerrro, "Wufei snapped, his breath recovered. "I rrrespect this Rrriddler's motivation. Only if he is the strrrongerrr intellect can his plan succeed. If his intellect is weakerrr his plan must fail. That must be why this Cat Woman works with him, forrr she can see that he is strrrong and honorable like herself."  
  
"Actually, she is just a common thief that gets to hang with the big boys because Batman has a thing for her," Duo stated with a shrug.  
  
"Fei's face darkened, "So I am herrre merrrly to be the object of Batman's affection, and to purrrsue a few cheap baubles?"  
  
"Yes," Duo answered with a nod, "you're here for that, and to offer some eye candy to the men of this outfit."  
  
"Injustice!!!" Wufei cried, the whip poised to strike.  
  
"Here they go again," Heero groaned.  
  
A Spinning Bat Symbol fills the screen to the inane little beat of - Nana Nana Nana Na. (Repetitive, aint it?)  
  
"My God Trowa, it's the biggest one I've ever laid my hands on." Quatre said stroking the smooth surface.  
  
"Yes, It's quite impressive isn't it?" Trowa stated proudly.  
  
"It's so smooth, so rigid, so . . . " Quatre shivered, "so darn massive."  
  
"Yes," Trowa stated proudly. "A bank minted this penny as a promotional gimmick. Two Face tried to flip you on it and you managed to get free before it crushed you. The bank felt bad about it so they let you keep the world's largest penny."  
  
"Well, I am multi-talented aren't I?" Quatre said puffing his chest out even further. "Tell me more of my great deeds."  
  
Trowa rolled his eyes, "How about we go out and do some great deeds instead. Somewhere in Gotham the other three must be searching for us. We could use your Bat Computer to try and find them."  
  
"Of course!" Quatre struck his best heroic pose, "That is exactly was I was about to suggest. To the Bat Computer Trowa."  
  
"Yes Q-Man," Trowa smirked.  
  
"Now lets see," Quatre said with a look of utter confusion, "How do I make this work?"  
  
"In the show, Batman would babble the random facts aloud while punching seemingly random keys. The lights would flash as the computer 'thought'. Then the adding machine tape would be spit out and you would read the answer," Trowa explained, not quite sure how to make the antique work either.  
  
"OK," He said and placed his left hand on the keypad, "Duo thinks he is the god of death and he has a long pony tail. Wufei is an egotistical woman hating martial artist, and Heero is just as insufferable but not the hero of this show. Where are they?"  
  
He had typed purely random keys as he spoke with the computer, and now the two sat and watched in stunned silence as the lights began to flash on the big Light-Bright board they had for a monitor. Within a few moments the tape began to issue forth. Quatre only seemed to glance at it before he struck yet another heroic pose like he was looking off into the rising sun.  
  
"Of course Trowa," He said pounding his fist into his hand like he was going to play ro sham bo, "they must be at the Faster Pussycat Disco Bar."  
  
"Holly, Sleaze Pit Quatre," Trowa said copying his partner's motion with his hand, " that place is a cesspool of sin and depravity."  
  
"True Trowa," Quatre nodded sagely, "You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy."  
  
"What should we do?"  
  
"We must go and make a dramatic entrance so as to impress them with our deductive prowess. To the Bat Mobile Trowa."  
  
A Spinning Bat Symbol fills the screen to the inane little beat of - Nana Nana Nana Na. (As if you didn't see it coming from a mile away)  
  
"Why do we have to use yourrr plan, what's wrong with my plan?" Wufei demanded  
  
"Uh, I don't think hold them down and hit them until they surrender is much of a plan Fei," Duo said with a grin.  
  
"It's perfect and it's simple," Fei demanded. "If we are stronger then we should get to . . ."  
  
"We have company," Heero interrupted, pointing at the skylight.  
  
Duo and Wufei both turned to look at what Heero was pointing at. On the roof top the Dynamic Duo were having an argument loud enough to be overheard below.  
  
"I most certainly will not go first Quatre," Trowa snorted, "I'm only wearing his little Bikini Bottom pants and small shoes. That glass skylight will cut my legs to ribbons. You at least have a pair of tights on to offer you some protection."  
  
"But Trowa, you know how easily I bruise . . . " Quatre wheedled.  
  
"That is the Dynamic Duo?" Wufei asked incredulously.  
  
"More like the ambiguously gay duo," Duo snorted.  
  
"Have a seat," Heero offered, "This might take a while."  
  
"Do you see, what Trowa is wearing?" Duo asked sitting.  
  
"It would be more appropriate to say- do you see what he is not wearing," Heero offered sitting next to Duo.  
  
"It makes me feel a whole lot better about myself," Fei said stretching out on a chair.  
  
"Fine," Trowa threw up his hands in surrender, "You know I can't fight the kicked puppy eyes, but you are going to owe me big time."  
  
"Thanks Trowa, you really are the best partner anyone could ask for."  
  
The two grabbed the permanently anchored ropes that were mounted to the roof, and with Trowa leading the charge, they shattered the large glass skylight  
  
The pair who had broke the skylight landed and took up their stance, back to back trying to assess their enemies. The trio of pilots merely applauded and let the duo take a bow. Quatre took the three in quickly and saw he had found Heero, Duo, and a raven haired Beauty that had the kind of curves road signs warn about. Not wanting to alert his partner to his newfound lust, he silently mouthed the words 'call me' to the raven hairdo beauty, before addressing the others.  
  
"Hey Heero, hey Duo, where's Fei?"  
  
"Why don't you ask Catwoman over there," Duo said with a smile, "I'm sure she has something to say on the subject."  
  
"Yes," Heero said eying Trowa, "and we have something we need to discuss with Trowa."  
  
Quatre nodded, "Sure I won't be but a few minutes.  
  
Trowa looked at the two other pilots as they eyed him hungrily.  
  
"Hey Guys," Trowa said nervously. "What's up?"  
  
"We are," Heero said with a grin. "Hit it Duo."  
  
Duo flipped the stereo up to an ear splitting leaves and the Strobe lights had company as little sound effect cards like RIP, and GASP, flashed over the screen.  
  
Quatre approached Catwoman with a smile on his face, "I normally don't go for women, but something about you makes me want to . . . . "  
  
Stay tuned Next Friday When Duo Says, "Slip in like this, it's faster." 


	3. Dukes of Hazard

Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is not mine. I am merely torturing the boys- especially Wufei again- for a while. Also, I do not own Hazard County or any of it's colorful residents. Resemblance to any conversations from Pulp Fiction, Princess Bride or Big Trouble are purely intentional.  
  
" . . . go out and catch those blasted Duke Boys," Quatre hollered waving a turkey leg menacingly at Trowa.  
  
"Why are you threatening me with the severed limb of some poor fowl?" Trowa asked.  
  
Quatre looked at the drumstick and flushed slightly, "Sorry Trowa, I don't know what came over me . . . or . . . my . . . eating habits?"  
  
Spread out over his entire desk was a meal fit to feed a squad of Leo pilots, and their tech support. The leg he was holding had apparently been torn from the large roasted fowl in front of him. Platters of ham, potatoes and bread were interspersed with various fried foods that he could not readily identify.  
  
"Well then, do you mind if I share with you?" Trowa asked reaching for Quatre's feast.  
  
Trowa's hand was bludgeoned away from the feast by a deft blow with Quatre's drum stick. Trowa snatched back his hand with a hurt look.  
  
"If you don't want to share just say so," Trowa sniffled, "Don't flog me with your meat."  
  
Quatre's face went pale, "Trowa . . . I'm so sorry . . . I don't know what's come over me . . . I just need you to . . . "  
  
At that moment a car horn blared out the opening to Dixieland and Quatre's face twisted in a look of utter insanity.  
  
" . . . Destroy all my enemies." Quatre glared in Zero Mode. "Are you my enemy?"  
  
Trowa took a step back, "OK man, you can have all the food, I wasn't that hungry anyway."  
  
Quatre advanced, his eyes narrowing to slits, "Where is my enemy? I must . . . . "  
  
The horn blared to life once again causing Trowa to jump.  
  
" . . . Beg of you to please forgive me," Quatre said with a sincere look of apology on his face."  
  
Trowa took a second step back, "All is forgiven. Please don't kill me. I'm really not that hungry."  
  
"Oh well," Quatre shrugged tearing off a large bite from his drum stick and chewing noisily. "If you're sure. Any idea where we are?"  
  
As if on cue, a disembodied voice with a soft southern twang came forth from nowhere.  
  
"Welcome to Hazard County, home to moon shiners, fast cars and inept policing practices. This small town is run by the Winner family, and at the head of the family is Quatre, but folks around here just call him Boss Hog. He and Sheriff Roscoe Trowa Barton are planning out their latest trap for our heroes, those lovable Duke boys Duo and Heero Duke."  
  
"Oh, where are they?" Quatre calmly asked the disembodied voice.  
  
"You can't just ask the narrator where to find the heroes of the show!" Trowa snorted.  
  
"Why not?" Quatre shrugged, taking another bite of turkey. "He answered my last question about where we are."  
  
Trowa buried his face in his hands, and shook his head. "That was merely a fortuitous coincidence. You can't expect some disembodied voice to come in and answer all of your questions. That's just . . . . Well that's just plain silly!"  
  
"I'm waiting," Quatre said tapping his foot impatiently.  
  
As if on cue, the narrator's voice once more rings out throughout the heavens as the scene freezes. "Just a few blocks away, the Duke boys are having a little disagreement."  
  
"I don't care if it was one of your favorite shows," Heero growled, "the answer is still no!"  
  
"Why not?" Duo demanded. "I'm as good a pilot as you."  
  
"Whose number is on the driver's side?" Heero demanded flatly.  
  
"That's irrelevant," Duo shot back, "both brothers drove it during the show."  
  
"Whose number?"  
  
"But Heero . . . " Duo whined  
  
Heero just tapped his foot and gave Duo his death glare.  
  
"01," Duo conceded. "But the car is called the General Lee, not Wing Zero."  
  
Right at that moment, a white Jeep pulled up with a gold eagle on the hood. The driver swung out a long leg that stopped the argument, as well as passing traffic. Their eyes followed the slender line of the leg up to a pair of tight fitting "Daisy Dukes." She wore a pink flannel shirt with rolled sleeves and shirttails that were tied in a knot just below the driver's bust line.  
  
"I would appreciate it if you would look me in the eye," Wufei said indignantly as he hopped out of the car, "I am more then just a pair of breasts you know."  
  
Heero snapped his gaze up to meet Wufei's, "Chang, good to see you again."  
  
"Yeah," Duo sighed, still focused on Wufei's chest. "I think it's really nice to see you two."  
  
"Maxwell, cease and desist your ogling this instant or I will bitch slap you into next Tuesday!" Wufei shouted angrily.  
  
Duo rolled his eyes before meeting Wufei's glare, "You seem pretty damn moody Woofie, are you having a visit from Aunt Flo?"  
  
"I don't have an Aunt named Flo, Maxwell," Wufei snapped irritably. "If you must know I am having the most abysmal abdominal cramping right now. It must be from all this stupid inner-dimensional transportation we've been doing."  
  
Duo's grin widened as he started to open his mouth but a glare from Heero silenced him. Heero turned a sympathetic smile towards Wufei. "I can see a corner drug store just down the street. Perhaps you can find something to aid your . . . discomfort, there. We will follow you and make certain that you are not left alone again."  
  
Wufei's eyes misted slightly and he nodded, "Thank you for caring Heero, you're a real prince."  
  
"It's my pleasure Fei -chan," Heero said patting the other's cheek lightly with his hand.  
  
Wufei gave Heero a quick hug and then quickly climbed into the jeep and headed for the corner drug store. Heero reached for the handle of his door when a small gasp stopped him mid-way.  
  
"What are you doing Heero?" Duo asked in shock.  
  
"I'm preparing to enter the car so we can follow Wufei," he snorted matter- of-factly.  
  
"That is not the way the Duke boys get into the General Lee," Duo said with disdain.  
  
"All right," Heero said in his best 'I'll humor you this time' tone, "How do the Duke boys get in the General Lee?"  
  
"Slip in like this, it's faster," Duo proclaimed sliding in through the open window.  
  
Heero shrugged and slid through the window like his partner. A small smile crossed his lips, it might not be the proper way to enter a vehicle, but it sure was more fun then the conventional way. The car roared to life and tore off after Wufei's Jeep. Duo reached out to toot the horn and was stopped by a glare from Heero.  
  
What did I tell you about that?" Heero growled.  
  
Duo threw Heero his best pout, "You said if I hit the horn again you'll remove it from the car in such a manner that it would never operate like a horn ever again."  
  
"While the Duke boys go off in search of some 'southern comfort' for their cousin Woofy Duke, Boss Hog has come up with a brilliant plan to catch the Duke boys once and for all." The Narrator offers cheerfully, cutting the scene back to city hall.  
  
"I have a brilliant plan to catch the Duke boys," Quatre said with a bright gleam in his eye.  
  
"Finally," Trowa sighed with relief, "the old Quatre I know and love is back. So what is this plan you've conjured up?"  
  
"I don't know," Quatre said in an annoyed tone.  
  
"But you just said you had one," Trowa said confused.  
  
"That's because the Narrator said I had one," Quatre gave Trowa a 'well duh' stare. "Did you miss the whole speech where he said I had come up with a brilliant plan?"  
  
Trowa pushed his Smoky the Bear hat up on his head some so that he could get a good rub on his temples. This dimension had addled his lover's brain, and turned him into a pea-brained, food swilling, egotistical blockhead that couldn't come up with an original thought without someone giving it to him first. If they were ever to find the others, he would have to come up with a plan for Quatre to take credit for. He took a deep breath, righted his cap and offered Quatre his best smile.  
  
"I'm sorry, Quatre," he smiled, "You must have meant the plan you had just outlined to me right before the narrator announced you had one."  
  
"That was the very plan I was talking about," Quatre said proudly, and then he paused a little uncertainly before continuing. "I bet you can't even remember what it was I told you."  
  
"Well, I certainly don't have the brain power you have, but I do remember that it had something to do with me getting in my squad car, and you getting in your white caddie convertible, and us chasing them down and trapping them somewhere in town before they can reach the open roads and escape," Trowa said gasping for breath at the end of his incredibly long sentence.  
  
"And . . ." Quatre said waiting for more.  
  
"We would have to get some kind of bait to keep them in town longer . . . Woofy Duke! Yes, you were going to capture Woofy Duke so that the Duke boys would have to come to you." Trowa said on the fly. "We were going to catch her as she leaves the drug store and . . . and then you were take her over to the old stables where you would use your car to block the road. I would be hiding nearby and block the other end of the road . . . and then the Duke boys would be trapped!"  
  
Quatre nodded with a smug grin, "See, I knew you would remember if I gave you enough coaxing. Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go and catch Duo and Heero Duke!"  
  
Quatre strode out in his white suit, drumstick in hand. Trowa waited until he walked through the door before reaching once more for something to eat. From out of nowhere the bone from the drumstick Quatre had left with smacked the back of his head, knocking his hat to the floor. He rubbed the back of his head and turned to see Quatre standing in the doorway.  
  
"This isn't the time to be eating," Quatre scolded. "We have to catch those damned Dukes before they leave town."  
  
Trowa stooped and picked up his hat, cast one more longing look at the banquet that was growing cold, and then followed Quatre out the door.  
  
"Meanwhile, back at the drug store," the narrator segued helpfully.  
  
"No I don't think we should go in and help Fei, she's a big girl." Heero said gripping the steering wheel in annoyance. "Besides, I don't need the Zero system to see you are just trying to get me out of the driver's seat so you can drive."  
  
"Heero," Duo pouted, "I'm hurt that you think I'm that shallow. Why, I am just concerned about our friend inside."  
  
Heero held a hand up for silence, "How are our relations with the law in this world?  
  
Duo paused before answering, "strained at best, why?"  
  
Heero started the engine and smoked the tires as he sped off down the street. He was silent as he took a hard left then a fast right in order to confuse the cruiser that had come up behind them at the drug store. Hitting a straightaway, he took a moment to spare a brief glance over at his passenger. Duo had his left hand on the dash and his right hand gripping the doorframe.  
  
"I said strained," Duo chided, "I did not say life threatening."  
  
"Sorry," Heero said, throwing the car into another sliding turn, "But there is something inside of me telling me to . . . to . . . flee to the country roads?"  
  
"Ah," Duo said nodding, "The plot of this world has caught up with us. This show was famous for it's car chases."  
  
Heero slid around another corner and slammed on the breaks. Blocking the other side of the street was a large white convertible. Heero threw it in reverse only to find the other way blocked by a police cruiser. He threw Duo a look.  
  
"What do we do in a situation like this?"  
  
Duo yawned, "Usually we jump something."  
  
"Mission accepted," Heero grunted slamming the car in gear and barreling towards the white caddie.  
  
The bored expression quickly left Duo's face, "Heero, what are you doing?"  
  
Heero said nothing as he mashed the accelerator to the floor. He veered left at the last moment into the open doors of the stables. Chickens scattered as his car gained momentum heading for the near empty hay cart that sat conveniently enough like a ramp over the closed bottom half of the stable doors. The General hit the ramp running and sailed through the open upper half of the doors and out into the open countryside beyond.  
  
"Well folks, that's what we here in Hazard County call a 'Hay-sty' retreat. Back at the pharmacy a rather dazed Woofy Duke has finally emerged from the drugstore." The narrator intoned.  
  
"Injustice," Wufei whispered engrossed in the pamphlet entitled 'Your Body and You: A Guide to Women's Wellness'. "I never knew women had to suffer so much. Men have it so easy! It's no wonder Nataku was so strong, if she had to suffer so for the sake of her sex. Well if she could do it, I will also! Nataku, I will learn to be strong, just like you were."  
  
A tear, streaked Fei's face, followed by another. Soon his face was soaked with tears as he clutched the pamphlet to his ample chest. Fei shot a glare towards the heavens as if daring them to defy his newfound feminine strength. So engrossed was Fei in his posturing, that he failed to notice the large white Caddie pull up in front of him.  
  
"Wow," mouthed Quatre wordlessly, "look at the rack on Wufei!"  
  
Wufei registered Quatre's presence in time to see him silently finishing his statement.  
  
"What did you just say?" Fei snapped, glaring at the blond.  
  
The tone in the others voice snapped Quatre out of his ogling, "Me? I didn't say anything. Did you here me say anything?"  
  
Fei's eyes narrowed to slits as her glare intensified, "No, I didn't 'hear' what you said because I can't read lips, but I did see you mumble something."  
  
"You can't read lips," Quatre sighed in relief, "too bad, it's a useful skill to know."  
  
"Can you read lips?"  
  
"No," Quatre admitted honestly enough, "but I am going to sign up for classes on how just as soon as we get back home."  
  
Wufei started spouting out curses in Chinese, and Quatre took another opportunity to run his eyes up and down Wufei once more. He looked even better in drag then Trowa, Quatre thought inwardly, I wonder if he would consider a three way . . .  
  
"QUATRE RABERBA WINNER!!!!!!!" Wufei scolded angrily. "I thought you out of all the pilots would be different. You keep going on and on about emotions, and how sad this war makes you. But now I see you for who you really are. You're just like all the others. You don't see me as a person, do you? No! To you I'm nothing more then a pillow top mattress with a safety deposit box for your family jewels. Well if you think that just because you have money you can have me, then think again!!!"  
  
Quatre was hunched as low in is seat as he could get. Wufei was going to kill him. As he braced himself for the worst, he hear gentle sobbing coming from Wufei. He carefully cracked open one eye.  
  
"Out of all of you, only Heero saw me as a person. He was the only one who cared how I felt, and made sure I was taken care of. Oh Heero" Fei cried out in a strangely pink tone, "Heero, come save me Heero. Let me stay with you just a little longer until I can get over the loss of Nataku!"  
  
Quatre could not repress a shudder as he finally noticed the pink on Wufei's flannel shirt. Oh, no, it's the color that drove them nuts, he thought frantically. Somehow that one color makes whichever female wearing it obsessed with Heero Yuy. He would have to inform the others later, but first he would use this fact to his advantage.  
  
"Well, if you wanted to see Heero, why didn't you just say so? I'm on my way to meet with him," Quatre offered in his best good old boy tone.  
  
"You're going to see my Heero?" Wufei asked pinkly.  
  
"Yes, but it might be dangerous where I'm going," Quatre offered seriously, "You might want to wait here."  
  
"No! I must go to him, no matter what the danger," Fei swooned, sliding into the back seat of Quatre's caddie.  
  
"As you wish," was all Quatre said, but what he really meant was, I got you!  
  
"Meanwhile out on the dirt roads of Hazard, the duke boys are leading the sheriff on a merry chase."  
  
"Do you know what they call a Royal with Cheese on L2?" Duo asked, from the passenger side of the car.  
  
"Don't they call it a Royal with Cheese?" Heero asked veering hard to the left.  
  
"Hell no," Duo scoffed. "L2 is a poor colony, nothing is royal on it. No they call it a Quarter Pounder with Cheese."  
  
"I suppose that's because they are too poor to afford the more current metric system." Heero said rolling his eyes and sending the car into a power slide to the right. "What do they call the Big Mac?"  
  
"Well, since the only thing big on L2 is the deficit, we simply call it the Mac." Duo said seriously.  
  
"Ah" Heero said gunning the engine even harder, "Hang on. Turbulence."  
  
The General Lee soared airborne over a rather deep ravine, landing safely on the other side.  
  
"Was that a gulf?" Duo asked.  
  
"Nah," Heero said calmly, "More like a ditch. Anyway, the sheriff has stopped on the other side so I guess we have some time to make good our getaway. Any ideas were we could go?"  
  
"Well, Uncle Jessie's farm isn't far from here we can hole up there for a while." Duo offered.  
  
"What do you propose we do when we get there?"  
  
"Well," Duo said with a coy grin, "I've always wanted to try out back seat of the General Lee."  
  
"But Duo, we're brothers in this dimension," Heero pointed out.  
  
"Heero, my naive boy, here in the south the only thing that is taboo is sleeping with prize livestock, and selling bad gin," Duo said with a smirk. "Hell, you would have to leave town to find someone to sleep with that wasn't blood kin, and in these parts, that just isn't done."  
  
"Oh," Heero said with a nod. "Very well then. Let's test the back suspension."  
  
"While the Duke boys stop to do a little rear end work with the General Lee in Uncle Jessie's barn, a rather angry sheriff is reporting in at the far side of the ravine the boys jumped not long before."  
  
"This is Ros-coe Trowa Barton calling Boss Hog, Do you read?" Trowa spoke into his C. B.  
  
"Trowa, this is Quatre, I have Fei, were are the others?"  
  
"I lost them at Fisher's Ravine," Trowa said sheepishly.  
  
Wufei spoke up from the back seat, "That's close to Uncle Jessie's ranch! Heero must have gone home to await my return. Oh Heero! I'm coming Heero!!!"  
  
Quatre nodded and spoke into his C B, "Trowa, their hideout is near by, find an alternate route across and meet me at Uncle Jesse's farm. We'll catch them there!"  
  
"Right you are, Boss! Coo coo coo, I love it, I love it," Trowa gushed.  
  
"Well it didn't take long before Trowa and Quatre reached the farm, leaving our heroes trapped inside their barn. I don't know about you folks, but right about now I wouldn't want to be in their shoes, or any other part of their clothing for that matter." The narrator chuckled.  
  
"Heero," Wufei cried out pinkly, "Heero come save me!"  
  
Both boys froze at that tone. There was no way she could be here! She was in an alternate dimension, wasn't she? The boys exchanged horrified glances at each other and sat up from the back seat.  
  
"That can't be who that sounds like, can it?" Heero asked, a slight tremble in his voice.  
  
"Heero my man," Duo responded, "I think the two of us are both in deep . . . "  
  
Stay tuned next Friday when Heero says, "Who knew being sandwiched between two women could be this stimulating?" 


	4. Charlie's Angels

Disclaimer: Gundam Wing does not belong to me. Neither does Charlie's Angels. Any resemblance to: Evil Dead, The Wizard of Oz, The Pink Panther, The Princess Bride and the song "Holding Out for a Hero" from Footloose, is totally intentional. I don't own any of those either.  
  
Charlie's Angels  
  
" . . . sheep are dumb," Duo said disdainfully, "and so is anyone who thinks anything made from their wool is fashionable."  
  
"Look who's talking, it's the queen of rayon and polyester, " Trowa sniped back. "At least I'm wearing something classic, and not something recycled!"  
  
"You both realize that we have changed worlds again don't you?" Heero offered.  
  
The two stopped bickering and quickly took stock of the situation. Duo eyed the room and then looked for a mirror. Unfortunately, Trowa found the mirror first.  
  
"My god," Trowa shouted, "I'm a total hottie!!!! Would you look at the way this silk blouse outlines my curves, whilst this wool tweed skirt really shows off my assets. Wufei has nothing on me!!!"  
  
Duo shoved the narcissistic Trowa aside and checked himself out. "Let's see, black midriff top, black stretch Capri's, and black pumps. Nothing out of the ordinary here,"  
  
"Unless you take into account that you are a woman," Heero pointed out.  
  
Duo paused briefly, and then shrugged, "You always were curious what it would be like to make it with a woman, well, now here is your chance."  
  
"One problem," Heero said, standing. "I'm a woman too."  
  
Heero was dressed in a green jogging bra, black spandex bicycle shorts, and a cute pair of yellow running shoes.  
  
"Mmmm, maybe a little girl on girl action eh?" Duo smiled suggestively. "We could get a good feel for how the other side lives."  
  
"Damn I'm fine," Trowa interjected, bending over in front of the mirror to do a panty line test. "I mean, I knew I looked good when I dragged up for Quatre, but falsies are no substitute for the real thing. Oh if only my little sheik could see me now I'd show him how the dance of the seven veils is really done."  
  
Both Heero and Duo stared in open surprise at the preening Trowa.  
  
"I think I just learned more about Trowa and Quatre's private life in that last burst of dialogue, then I've known since I met them at the start of the war," Duo said in open amazement.  
  
Heero shrugged, "It's always the quiet ones that are kinkiest."  
  
"Don't I know it!" Duo smirked.  
  
At that moment, the small phone speaker box on the table came to life.  
  
"Good morning Angels," came Quatre's pleasant tone.  
  
"Good morning Quatre," the trio called back in unison.  
  
"I suppose you are all wondering where I am today?"  
  
"Not really," Heero answered truthfully.  
  
"I have to agree with Heero," Duo chimed in.  
  
"You better not be with Wufei," Trowa scolded wagging his finger at the speaker. "If you are, I'm not going to share my luscious bod with you."  
  
" . . . . . ." Quatre replied. "Err, Trowa, can we take up this discussion later, in private?"  
  
"So you are with Wufei!!!" Trowa shouted scooping up the speaker. "Well you tell that self righteous little slut that Trowa Barton is coming over to bitch slap him back to Genghis Khan's Mongol Empire."  
  
"A bit overprotective isn't he?" Heero asked Duo.  
  
"I don't know, He kind of reminds me of a perfect solder I know."  
  
"I'm not that bad," Heero protested.  
  
"No?" Duo asked. "What about the time Millardo Peacecraft danced with me at Relena's party? The poor man had to go around pretending to be Zechs Marquis again for weeks afterward just to hide the shiner you gave him."  
  
"He was fondling you," Heero huffed. "I was just protecting your honor!"  
  
"It was ball room dancing," Duo sighed, as if rehashing an old argument. "He was supposed to put one hand on my hip."  
  
"Hip, yes, but I saw where it was starting to slide to!"  
  
"Girls!" Came Quatre's soothing voice from over the speaker. "We have a more urgent matter to attend to. Wufei has been abducted!!!"  
  
Elsewhere, in a holding cell . . . .  
  
"Heero . . ." Wufei called weakly as his conciseness returned, " . . . come save me Heero!"  
  
"He iz holding out for za Heero," a voice with a bad French accent said with a hint of sarcasm.  
  
"But only 'till ze end of ze night," chimed in voice number 2- also with an atrocious French accent.  
  
"He'z got to be strong . . " 1 mused.  
  
" . . . and he'd have to be fast . . ." 2 added.  
  
" . . . definitely ready to fight!" one finished with mock seriousness.  
  
Wufei sat up and shot a glare at the two men. "Where am I?"  
  
"Ah, ze sleeping beauty, he speaks," goon 1 smirked.  
  
"Should we tell him hiz Heero hasn't arrived yet?" chuckled goon 2.  
  
"Non," 1 replied, "old twinkle toes might have anothzer case of the vaporz and faint again."  
  
Wufei's face reddened as he stood, "Insolent curs, I will show you the true meaning of justice."  
  
"Did you bring in a dictionary?" Goon 1 asked goon 2  
  
"Non," 2 replied unfazed, "I don't usually carry one on me. It iz too heavy. "  
  
"Infidels!" Wufei cried out, his blood boiling. "I will crush you both!"  
  
Goon 1 rolled his eyes, "Oui, and how do you propose to do zat, with some kind of Kung-fu, ma petit chou?"  
  
Wufei had enough banter. Letting out his fiercest war cry, he lunged for the two men who stared at him in disbelief. His lunge carried him face first to the floor with an embarrassingly loud crash.  
  
"More like Kung-OOPS," goon 2 snickered.  
  
"Lets go get our little friend Kato hiz breakfast before he does any real damage to himself." Goon 1 snickered.  
  
Meanwhile back at Angels Headquarters . . .  
  
" . . . don't keep feeding me these kidnapping lines," Trowa yelled at the speaker shaking it violently. "I saw how you were ogling him in the last two worlds. And you two," Trowa snapped at Heero and Duo. "Get a room! I'm tired of hearing the two of you jump each other. This is a private phone call, and I'd like a little privacy!!!"  
  
"Jeez," Duo huffed, "I thought this was a de-briefing."  
  
"Oh no," Heero chided his half clothed partner, "Quatre would never de- brief us in front of Trowa."  
  
"Alas, and I was having so much fun too," Duo sighed  
  
"I was too until little miss over-protective - whom I'm nothing like - got it in her head that her Arabian Prince was adding to his harem." Heero added.  
  
"Enough!!!!" Quatre's voice commanded. "Trowa - I am not with Wufei!! I'm on some lonely beach out in the god-forsaken tulles with nothing to do. Duo - you and Heero had better not be too de-briefed because we have got to go and save Wufei!!"  
  
"Yeah, save him from you maybe," Trowa moped.  
  
"TROWA!!!" Barked Quatre in a tone of total authority. "If you do not stop this little snit fit right now, my little clown, I will take your allowance away and you know what that means don't you?"  
  
"Scary!" Duo yelped clinging to Heero's left side.  
  
"Well . . . do you?" Quatre commanded.  
  
"Yes," said Trowa in a small voice.  
  
"That means no more extra rations for your precious lions, no more shopping trips for 'costumes,' no more anything! You got that! Now I swear, the next one of you drama queens interrupts me. . . YYYYAAAARRRRRGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Trowa latched onto Heero's right side.  
  
"Who knew being sandwiched between two women could be this stimulating?" Heero smirked. "OK Quatre, you all of our undivided attention. Please go on with the briefing."  
  
Back in Wufei's cell . . . .  
  
"You call this garbage food!" Wufei hollered through the door. "I wouldn't even feed this slop to Maxwell!!!"  
  
Silence was the only sound that greeted him from the other side of the door. His captors had left. Wufei looked down at the food tray once again and grimaced. The bowl held a rather watery porridge that looked like it was going bad. Next to it was some rather stale bread and a glass of rust colored water. Prisoner's fare. Wufei picked up his tray and started towards the small table that was just a few feet away. Three steps, that was all he took before his body betrayed him again. He collapsed in a heap, the tray landing on top of him  
  
"Gravity is a harsh mistress," Wufei complained miserably.  
  
He slowly regained his feet as the sound of running feet brought drew his eyes back to the door. It flew open and the two goons looked Wufei over and shook their heads.  
  
"Look mor-on, le toilet iz oh-ver there," goon 1 snorted. "Next time use it instead of just wetting yourself!"  
  
Wufei paused at that comment, and looked down at crotch of his pants. Sure enough, there was a large wet spot there still dripping water.  
  
"And ze porridge was your breakfast, not a shampoo," goon 2 said shaking his head.  
  
His hand patted the top of his head and felt the damp mush on the top of his head.  
  
"Do I even want to know why the baguette iz wedged in ze back of your trousers?" goon 1 asked mockingly.  
  
Fei flushed a deep crimson as his hands hastily reached around and patted his back side.  
  
"Clumsy and gullible," goon 2 chuckled, "zis poor guy couldn't catch a break if one was handed to him."  
  
"I will not listen to anymore of this vulgar slander!" Wufei growled the flush from his embarrassment fading. "When whatever drug you have given me wears off, I will kill both of you."  
  
"Drugs?" One asked. "We don't need no stinking drugs!"  
  
"Well speak for yourself," Two interjected. "I could go for some pain medication - it'z an old back injury that flares up now and again."  
  
"You make a very valid point, mon ami, allow me to modify my previous statement." goon 1 said diplomatically. "We 'didn't' need 'any' stinking drugs to subdue you."  
  
"Lies!" Wufei growled. "I am a trained martial artist. I have killed countless men with my skill!"  
  
"Maybe he banged hiz head harder zen we thought," 2 said, a note of concern in his voice.  
  
"Non, our little friend Kato here haz been claiming to be Bruce Lee evher since he woke up. We are going to leave you for a while 'killer,' please try to go easy on ze martial arts, I don't think the floor can take much more punishment."  
  
Later, outside the fortified castle that holds Wufei captive . . .  
  
"Are you certain that it's absolutely necessary for me to wear this outfit?" Heero asked again.  
  
"Oh most definitely," Duo grinned, "It is the absolute latest in crime fighter chic. Besides I thought you liked spandex?"  
  
"I have no qualms about the white spandex pants, it's this rather transparent lace top that I'm concerned about."  
  
"If you are wearing a clean bra," Duo stated flatly, "I don't see a problem."  
  
"This is pay-back for all the times I had you dress up, isn't it?" Heero asked.  
  
"Yep!" Duo grinned, "Besides, it's a well known fact that you should take advantage of every asset you have to win a fight!"  
  
"How is this going to help me win a fight"?  
  
"I know it would distract me!" Duo offered.  
  
"Well, now that we are here, any suggestions on how we get in?" queried Heero.  
  
"Leave it to me," Trowa said flipping his bangs fetchingly, "and my feminine wiles."  
  
"Bye, bye Trowa," Duo said.  
  
"Have fun storming the castle," Heero added, then he turned and spoke softly to Duo. "Do you think it will work?"  
  
"It would take a miracle," Duo sighed, "Trowa has few masculine wiles, and he's been a man most of his life."  
  
"True," Heero sighed. "Well we will just have to hope Quatre has rubbed off on him - culturally that is."  
  
"Nice save" Duo smiled  
  
Undaunted, Trowa strode up to the door of the castle. The small hand painted sign said "Doorbell Broken, Please Knock." Trowa shrugged and rapped daintily on the door. A small hatch opened and a man's face peered out.  
  
"Oui," the doorman said in a bad French accent. "May I help you ma petite?"  
  
Trowa took a deep breath inflating his chest, "Oh I certainly hope so kind sir. I'm here to see the Wufei, the Wufei that was captured by Oz!"  
  
"No one sees ze Wufei," the man squeaked, "Not no body, not no how!!"  
  
With that he slammed the little door and Trowa felt himself deflate.  
  
"Well, that was anti-climatic," Heero snorted.  
  
"Hey, that's Quatre's line," scoffed Duo.  
  
"You are absolutely right," Heero smirked. "My humble apologies. Of course, this still leaves us with a dilemma on how to get inside."  
  
"Na," said Duo, "I have a plan. Just follow my lead Heero."  
  
"Duo with a plan?" Heero scoffed, "Will miracles never cease?"  
  
Duo strolled up to the door and with a three deft raps, wedged a sliver of wood in between the little door and it's frame. When the small viewing port wouldn't open, the doorman was forced to open the main door to see who was waiting outside.  
  
"May I be of service?" he asked noisily.  
  
"Why yes my good man," Duo replied with a bad Scottish accent. "I'm the lady Moiria Mctaggert. Ma loovly assistant and I 'ave come all the way from Scotland to come and view the tapestries."  
  
The doorman looked confused, "Tapestries?"  
  
"Good gods man," Duo bellowed, "This is a castle isn't it? It has tapestries?"  
  
"It iz a very fine castle, and we have many tapestries, but if you are a Scottish lady then I am Jerry Lewis!"  
  
"How dare he," Duo said in mock rage shoving the door wide open. "How dare he?"  
  
Duo took a swing, but the doorman had already taken a step away from the door grabbing a long Baguette from off of the table.  
  
"Now I shall show you ze true meaning of le pain," he said and began an intricate dance of death, swinging the bread like a saber.  
  
A lone gunshot broke the silence, "Only the French would bring bread to a gunfight."  
  
"Heero," Duo asked with a shocked look on his face, "Where did you pull that gun from? That outfit looks practically painted on you. There is no way you could have stashed that gun on your person."  
  
Heero shrugged, "A girl has to have her little secrets. Come Tr-o-wa, we're off to save Wufei!"  
  
Some time later . . .  
  
"Do you think it could be this one?" Duo asked with a sigh.  
  
"Well it certainly wasn't the last one," Heero sighed, "I mean who would keep a man in an iron mask locked up like that?"  
  
"You mean other than Treize?" asked Duo.  
  
"Point," Heero conceded. "I wonder were Trowa has gotten off to."  
  
"Oh, he was dealing with something . . . ugly,"  
  
"Ah . . ." Heero nodded, more to humor Duo then with any real understanding. "Well then, lets see what's behind the green door.  
  
They drew the bolt and threw open the door.  
  
"Judgment is upon you," cried Wufei leaping from his bed and falling face first in front of the pair clutching the stale bread.  
  
"Yours I believe," Duo said pointing at the stunned Fei.  
  
Heero sighed and turned the fallen comrade over, "Fei, if you are still conscious say something."  
  
". . . ." Wufei's lips were moving, but no sound emerged.  
  
"He's fine," Heero pronounced.  
  
"How do you know?" Duo asked. "Can you read lips?"  
  
"Yes,," Heero stated, "It is a quite useful skill."  
  
"Oh yeah, then what did he say?"  
  
"He said, 'Injustice, I will kill you all just as soon as I can feel my face again.,' or words to that effect."  
  
"Arrggg," came Trowa's anguished cry from down the hall. "If you touch my tushie once again, so help me I will kick the ever living . . . . ."  
  
Stay tuned next Friday when Wufei says, "If you want it to rise, you have to kneed it gently." 


	5. Three's Company

Disclaimer: Gwing and Three's Company are not mine. Again, any resemblance to the Wizard of Oz, Spaceballs, or any TV news program is purely intentional.  
  
Three's Company  
  
". . . stuffing recipe out of you if it's the last thing I do," Trowa said playfully waving a wooden spoon at Wufei.  
  
"The thought of you stuffing anything is somewhat alarming," Wufei said with a grimace.  
  
"Would you rather have me give you the bird?" Trowa smirked  
  
"Try it and you'll put me in a fowl mood."  
  
A burst of vacuous laughter broke out in the doorway. Wufei turned to see Quatre holding a pink box in his - or rather her - hands. He was wearing a white tee shirt that was filled out nicely and light blue tennis shorts. His hair was parted down the middle and done up in two of the smallest pigtails the pair had ever seen.  
  
"What's so funny?" Wufei asked, " I mean besides your hair."  
  
Trowa nodded in agreement, "It looks like two little hair gnomes tried to pitch teepees on the top of your head."  
  
"No way," Quatre said, his face screwing up with concentration. "There's no way Nome's in my hair, 'cause it's in Alaska. What do you take me for, some kind of Mormon?"  
  
Wufei turned and shot Trowa a look, "Didn't I bake Alaska last night?"  
  
"You sure did," he affirmed.  
  
A look of horror slowly spread over Quatre's confused face, "Oh my gosh, I had totally forgot we ate that last night. I really do have Nome hair."  
  
"There is really no place like Nome," Trowa said reverently.  
  
"Dorothy did seem quite fond of it," Wufei added.  
  
Quatre slowly set the box on the table and very slowly walked out of the room.  
  
"Not the quickest little bunny on the course, is he?" Wufei smirked.  
  
"Yep, he's defiantly one sandwich short of a picnic," Trowa nodded.  
  
Trowa was wearing a long sleeved striped shirt that fit his feminine body snugly. His trademark bangs were framing his head in a sort of pageboy affair that framed his face nicely. Wufei paused, realizing that he should be somewhat disturbed by his friends change of gender, but then curiosity got the better of him as Trowa was opening the box that was left behind.  
  
"What's in the box?"  
  
"Little round . . cakes? Trowa offered.  
  
Wufei peered in the box, "That's not cake you idiot, they're filled pastries."  
  
"What are they filled with I wonder?"  
  
"You could always poke a finger inside one and find out?" Wufei offered.  
  
Trowa nodded and reached tentatively into the box. He carefully lifted one of the donuts from the box and prodded it gently. A thick red gelatin oozed out of the small hole on the side of the donut and onto his hand. Using his index finger he scooped some of it up for closer examination.  
  
"The filling of these pastries appears to be," Trowa paused to take a tentative lick, "jam."  
  
Wufei scowled and dipped his finger in the gooey mess. He sniffed it, eyed it warily, then proceeded to taste it.  
  
"Raspberry," Wufei said angrily. "One man would dare give me a raspberry - Maxwell."  
  
"My thoughts exactly," Trowa nodded seriously and set the donut back in the box.  
  
"Hey," Wufei said indignantly, "You just can't just take that out, play with it for a minute and then put it away!"  
  
"I don't like how it tastes," Trowa huffed, "and besides I'm certain it's way too many calories."  
  
Wufei's face turned red, "Look Trowa, you fondled it and you licked it. Now pick it back up, put it in your mouth and finish it!"  
  
"Sheesh," Trowa grumbled, "You sound just like Quatre when you talk like that."  
  
The color slowly drained from Wufei's face, "Trowa, that way more information then I needed to hear."  
  
"What do you mean by . . . ."  
  
Suddenly the screen was filled with a flashing alert sign and a horrendous repetitive honking sound.  
  
A stern faced female reporter looked up from her notes and directly into the camera.  
  
"We interrupt your regularly scheduled program for this important News Update. I'm Megan Love with the breaking news on Vice Foreign Minister Relena Peacecraft and her apparent nervous breakdown. Let's go live to Mike Hunt for more details. Mike?"  
  
"Well Megan, it seems Vice Foreign Minister Relena Peacecraft broke in to this apartment complex behind me, and has spent the last fifteen minutes running up and down the hallway's saying quote: 'Heero, come kill me'. Now this reporter has it on good authority that one Heero Yuy, a former Gundam Pilot and member of the Preventers, does reside in this complex. It is not known if said preventer has been making death threats to the Vice Foreign Minister or not, but one man left here saying quote: 'I thought they had put a restraining order on that Pink Menace after the last time.' I'm Mike Hunt, reporting live from outside Sunny Day Apartments."  
  
"Scary news Mike," Megan said with a shallow nod of her head. "Do we have any details of what this 'Pink Menace' might be?"  
  
"No Megan, speculation around the news van from some of our veteran camera crew is that it might be another faction of some terrorist organization like White Dog or Mariamaia."  
  
"Thanks for the insight Mike," Megan shuffled her papers and turned to look at the camera once more. "We will keep you updated on this story as more news breaks. We will now return you to your regularly scheduled program.  
  
The alert sign flashed again with a few more horrific honking sounds and then the scene returned to the kitchen in the apartment.  
  
" . . . fine," Wufei growled, "but toss the rest of it away."  
  
"I don't know what you are so angry about," Trowa said tossing the emptied donut in the trashcan, "I finished it like you asked me to."  
  
Wufei shuddered, "I meant eat the entire donut, not just suck the filling out of it. Man what I wouldn't give to have the last few minutes of my life back."  
  
Wufei exited the kitchen and stepped into the living room where he was greeted by a most unusual sight. Quatre was standing in front of the apartment's wall mounted AC with it blaring full blast at his head.  
  
"Quatre, do I even want to know what you are doing?" Wufei asked.  
  
"It's a lot colder in Nome then it is here in Southern California," Quatre said through chattering teeth, "I was just trying to keep them comfortable."  
  
"Ah," Wufei replied, "Well do us a favor and let them have a heat wave, this room is freezing."  
  
"Well all right Fei," Quatre said in a hurt tone, "But if any of them die of heat stroke it will be on your head!"  
  
"No, technically it will be on yours," Trowa retorted from the kitchen doorway.  
  
Quatre broke into tears, "Oh I never should have let you bake Alaska, Fei."  
  
Quatre dashed into his room and closed the door. Wufei turned to Trowa who was smirking.  
  
"Do you think I should take pity on him and tell him we had Chicken Kiev last night not Baked Alaska?"  
  
Trowa shook his head, "Na, Quatre's usually a bright enough boy, he'll figure it out on his own."  
  
"You are actually enjoying this, aren't you?" Wufei asked with a faint note of surprise in his voice.  
  
"You bet," Trowa nodded gleefully. "Do you know how hard it is living with a master tactician? He is always at least two steps ahead of me in almost every area."  
  
"Really? What areas are you two steps ahead of him in?"  
  
"Acrobatics and dodging thrown knives," Trowa said with a serious look, "But I'm trying to add lion taming to my repertoire also."  
  
Wufei set a comforting hand on Trowa's shoulder, "That should be easy enough, the lions love you."  
  
"That's what I thought, but the damned things just want to roll over and have me scratch their bellies when I enter the ring." Trowa sighed and flopped down on the sofa. "People want to see lion taming, not lion tickling."  
  
"Wufei nodded, "Well I can see that being a problem . . . "  
  
The screen is filled once again with the flashing alert sign and a horrendous repetitive honking sound.  
  
"Megan Love again, with another Update on the Peacecraft Break down. We have managed to get an exclusive interview with her brother Millardo Peacecraft. I take you live to the Sanc Kingdom with correspondent Ben Dover. Ben?" Ben was standing in front of a hideous pink palace with Millardo Peacecraft and Lucrezia Noin.  
  
"Thank you Megan, I'm Ben Dover and to my right is Millardo Peacecraft. Millardo, what can you tell us about this 'breakdown' that your sister is suffering?"  
  
"For starters Ben, I would like to say that my sister - the current leader of the Sanc Kingdom - is not having a breakdown of any sort." Millardo said seriously. Noin coughed.  
  
"Then how do you account for the eye witness reports that place your sister at Sunny Day apartments this evening?"  
  
"I never said she wasn't at the apartment complex tonight," Millardo stated smoothly, "I merely stated that she was not having a break down. My sister is as sane as she ever was."  
  
"As sane as a fruitcake," Noin muttered.  
  
"Then how do you explain the reports that she was seen shouting quote: 'Heero come kill me' as she was running up and down the halls?"  
  
"Obviously they didn't hear her right," Millardo said with haughty sniff. "She was shouting 'Zero, come kill me!" Ben frowned.  
  
"Who's Zero?" Millardo twitched and Noin shot a look at the reporter.  
  
"The Zero system of course." Millardo growled. Ben stepped back.  
  
"What's the Zero system?" Noin waved her hands behind Zechs back, trying to tell the reporter to drop the line of questioning.  
  
"Did they teach you nothing in school?" Millardo demanded, a crazed look in his eye. "Everyone knows the Zero system is the most dangerous battle system in the world."  
  
"Uh, yeah," Ben said nervously, "that Zero System, I know all about it of course."  
  
"Good," Millardo said calming down a little, "That's why the tenants of Sunny Day Apartments heard my sister shouting about it."  
  
"And why would the Zero system be after your sister? I mean, it's just a system, right?"  
  
"Just a system?" Millardo's hands twitched. "Just a system??" Noin reached out and put a tight grip on his arm.  
  
"Um, I think we need to end the interview," she suggested quietly.  
  
"But why was Miss Peacecraft at Sunny Day apartments calling out about her impending demise?" Ben asked, unaware of his own impending doom.  
  
"Ah," Millardo said, his voice getting lower and more Zechs like.  
  
Noin let go of his shoulder, muttering about what she was going to do to a certain idiot reporter if he continued to ignore her warnings. Ben took the hint.  
  
"She was trying to warn Heero Yuy," Zechs said as if that was all the explanation anyone would ever need.  
  
"Of course," Ben said, nodding dumbly, "that makes . . . perfect sense. What do you know about the Pink Menace?"  
  
Zechs was back in full force, oozing charm, "They are a secret organization that sees the world through rose colored glasses, thus the title Pink Menace. All I can tell you for sure is that this group has been around since the war days when the Gundams first arrived. Everything else on the subject is classified."  
  
"Thank you Millardo," Ben said turning back to the camera. "You've told us quite a chilling story tonight about a sinister computer program, and a mysterious agency that exists in the shadows. Megan, back to you."  
  
"Thank you Ben." Megan said turning to the camera. "We will have more on the top story tonight as it unfolds. We return you now to your regularly scheduled program."  
  
The alert sign flashed again with a few more horrific honking sounds and then the scene returned to the kitchen in the apartment.  
  
"If you want it to rise, you have to kneed it gently," Wufei was gently rolling out his pizza crust.  
  
"I still say having one delivered is better," Trowa huffed, "It's definitely faster."  
  
The doorbell rang and Trowa jumped up.  
  
"I'll get it, you just stay put and play with your ... dough," He said derisively.  
  
Wufei merely snorted in reply and continued with dinner preparations.  
  
"Who is it?" Trowa called as he reached the door.  
  
"Omae o korosu," came the curt reply.  
  
"Heero," Trowa said pulling the door open, "I was wondering when you'd arrive."  
  
"Trowa," Heero nodded stepping inside, "do you realize that the rent is late?"  
  
"Rent?"  
  
"Don't mind him," Duo said bouncing in behind Heero, "He's stuck in landlord mode."  
  
"Duo, nice to see you too," Trowa said closing the door behind the two new arrivals. "What did you mean by stuck in landlord mode?"  
  
"Uh, I thought you knew this show," Duo smirked. "In this world, we are the Ropers. He is Mr. Roper, and I am his dutiful wife Mrs. Roper." He lowered his voice to a stage whisper, "although just between you and me, I think Mr. Roper - gasp - likes men."  
  
"I heard that Duo!" Heero said as he headed towards the kitchen.  
  
"See!" Duo said with mock hurt, "He's heading off to chat with the nice gay chef who shares this apartment with you two lovely ladies."  
  
"What?" came the outraged cry of Wufei from the kitchen.  
  
Wufei came storming out of the kitchen wiping his hands on his white apron.  
  
"He isn't really gay," Duo said dropping his voice back down to a loud stage whisper once more, "He just pretends to be when we are around in order to stay in this apartment with you two girls. If he was straight, that would be living in sin, and we would boot him right out!"  
  
Wufei glowered a bit at that and then turned and said to Heero in a strained tone: "Wow Heero, you are looking rather . . . hot today, have you been working out?"  
  
Heero shot Wufei a look, "You keep your queer eyes off this straight guy, I've come for the rent!"  
  
"To be honest, we have none to give you," Trowa said with a shrug.  
  
At this point Quatre burst out of his room, a look of shock and horror on his face.  
  
"I can't believe how callous you two are," he said in a tone that was as menacing as butter. "First you bake Alaska, and now you offering to give them Nome? Well they can't have it! Nome is on my head and if they want it, they will have to fight me for it!"  
  
Quatre slammed the door then and there was the sound of heavy objects being moved against it.  
  
"Did I miss something?" Heero asked.  
  
"Quatre is definitely a few bricks short of a wall, " Duo said aloud.  
  
"You're telling me," Trowa said with a smirk, "that door opens outward."  
  
Heero shook his head and turned back to Wufei, "Now what is this I'm hearing about not having money for the rent?"  
  
Wufei sighed, he had no choice, "Hey Mr. Roper, want me to show you what kind of magic a real man can do in the kitchen . . . "  
  
The screen is filled once again with the flashing alert sign and a horrendous repetitive honking sound.  
  
"Hi, I'm Megan Love here on the news room floor, here is the latest in the Peacecraft Story. We have just been informed that Vice Foreign Minister Peacecraft was seen being escorted into Preventers Headquarters just moments ago. Lets go live to Mike Hunt to get a closer look at what 's going on down there. Mike?"  
  
"Well Megan it seems that there is an underground walkway leading from the Sunny Day Apartments to her sister complex Moonlitnight Apartments. According to a local resident it's quote: 'been there for years you damned idiot. Didn't you notice the large cavalcade of Preventers that parked across the street?' Back to you Megan."  
  
"Thank you, Mike. We are now going to Ben Dover, and see if Millardo Peacecraft will give us anything. Ben?"  
  
"Thank you Megan. Millardo is it true that you knew all along about this pathway between the two apartment complexes."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"And is it also true that it was you that called the Preventers and informed them of it so they could smuggle your sister out under cover?"  
  
"Do you want the truth?" Millardo asked in his best Zechs tone.  
  
Noin shook her head in the negative and gave her best imitation of a Hero Yuy Death glare. Ben ignored it.  
  
"I think I'm entitled to it," Ben asked hesitantly "Yes I want the truth!"  
  
Noin rolled her eyes and ducked for cover. This was out of her hands now.  
  
"You can't handle the truth!" Zechs shouted rising to his feet, "I don't give a damn, what you think you're entitled to. We live in a world that has Zero System."  
  
Ben looked confused again, "I don't see how that has any bearing on . . . "  
  
"You want me on the Zero," Zechs cut him off, "You need me on the Zero!" Zechs raised his hands to the sky, "Tallgeese. . . "  
  
Ben turned to the camera and leaned in close, "I'm scared," he sniffled.  
  
"Don't go sniveling to your camera man Ben Dover, come here and take it like a man!" Zechs demanded placing a hand over the lens of the Camera.  
  
The live feed cut off abruptly and then quickly switched back to Megan Love.  
  
"Well, we seem to be having some problems with our live feed at the Sanc Kingdom. So now we go to Ben's wife, Eileen Dover who is sitting outside Preventers headquarters. Eileen?"  
  
"Thank you Megan. Things are tense here as we wait for Commander Une, the chief of the Preventers to come out and make a statement. All we know at this time is that Relena has been escorted safely inside and has been allowed to speak with no one. Wait, I believe I see Commander Une stepping out onto the steps flanked by agent Sally Po. Lets see if we can get a statement."  
  
"Vermin and Maggots of the Press," Commander Une snarled.  
  
Sally placed a hand on Une's arm, "Be more graceful, Lady, be more graceful."  
  
Une snorted but continued in a more civil tone.  
  
"Relena Peacecraft is safe and well inside Head Quarters. She will be fit to return to her duties in the morning."  
  
"Commander Une," shouted a reporter, "What about the roomers that she has been infected by the dreaded Zero System?"  
  
Une shuddered and muttered something to Sally who blushed, then whispered something in Une's ear.  
  
"I'm sorry," Une said in a strained - I'm going to kill Zechs - tone, "but I cannot go into any details about that. It is a matter of global security."  
  
"What about the Pink Menace?" Eileen shouted.  
  
Une opened her mouth but paused yet again when Sally whispered frantically in her ear. Her face reddened with anger has she listened to Sally. Finally she pushed the agent away and turned to Eileen.  
  
"All I can say is that the Pink Menace is a society formed with one goal in mind, capture pilot 01 Heero Yuy. No one else is threatened by this sad group, and I believe that Agent Yuy is more then capable of taking care of himself."  
  
"Where is Agent Yuy?" Another reporter piped up. "No one has been able to spot him or any other of his fellow pilots for interview."  
  
Une chuckled, "those boys can simply disappear if they don't want to be found."  
  
With a curt wave Une and Sally vanished back into headquarters. Eileen turned back to the cameraman and arched her back to give her viewing audience a look at her best feature.  
  
"You heard it here first. Back to you Megan!"  
  
"Thank you Eileen. This Is Megan Love, returning you now to your regularly scheduled program."  
  
The alert sign flashed one last time; it's horrific honking sounds fading into a conversation in the apartment.  
  
"I must admit, that was the best I've ever had, and I've had quite a few over the years," Heero said contentedly.  
  
"It's all in how I toss it Heero," Wufei said, with a smile, "It's taken me years to perfect the proper wrist action."  
  
"After something as satisfying as that," Heero said wistfully, "It almost makes me want to take up smoking cigarettes."  
  
"C'mon you two," Duo said rolling his eyes, "It was only pizza! You guys are discussing it like two Buddhists that just found enlightenment!"  
  
Speaking of enlightenment," Heero said standing, "which way to the head?"  
  
"The bathroom is behind the second door on the left," Trowa offered.  
  
As Heero drew near the bathroom, the poor to Quatre room flew open almost hitting him. Quatre came running out wearing a batting helmet and welding a bat. On his feet he wore a pair of red slippers.  
  
"Get away," Quatre hissed, "I've got a bat and I'm not afraid to use it!"  
  
"What are you doing now?" asked Wufei.  
  
"I'm keeping Nome safe from the lot of you!" Quatre said, backing towards the front door.  
  
"Oh," Duo said with a smirk, "If that's all you're doing, then just click your heels together three times and say, There's no place like Nome."  
  
Quatre's face brightened, "Oh thank you Duo! There's no place like Nome, There's no place like Nome."  
  
"Knowing how slow he is right now," Trowa scoffed "He'll probably be chanting that Mantra from now until his voice gives out."  
  
Heero rolled his eyes and stepped into the bathroom. A few moments later Heero's anguished cry could be heard.  
  
"Oh my god, where the hell is . . . ."  
  
Stay Tuned next week when Trowa says, "Sometimes it's this stiff when I wake up." 


	6. Happy Days

Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is not mine. I am merely torturing the hell out of the boys. Happy Days and YMCA are also not mine. Any resemblance to West Side Story, Terry Prachett, Trigun, Pulp Fiction, Friends, Total Request Live, Monster Garage, the Village People, QVC and any soap operas are intentional and don't belong to me either.  
  
Happy Days  
  
". . . my chocolate milkshake Fei?" Heero asked in an annoyed tone.  
  
"I'll be right back with it," Fei said hurrying back towards the kitchen.  
  
"Sit on it Yuy!" Came a rather cool voice.  
  
"Is that Trowz?" Quatre Cunningham asked in an excited tone.  
  
"Heyyy! Trowa said flashing a thumbs up sign.  
  
Duo grinned impishly, "Did you just call Trowa Treize? Because if you are changing names in this episode I want to be," he lowered his voice to a gravelly whisper, "Zechs Marquise!"  
  
Heero flushed a bit at this comment as Duo grabbed his napkin off the table.  
  
"No I called him by his name, Trowz," Quatre said indignantly. "Why would anyone want to be called Treize, or Zechs for that matter?"  
  
Duo didn't respond at first, because he was too busy wrapping a napkin around the top part of his head.  
  
"There," Duo cried triumphantly securing the knot, "now, don't I look dashing?"  
  
"You look foolish," Quatre grumbled.  
  
"I bet Heero doesn't think so?" Duo said coyly turning to Heero. "Tallgeese, I need to use your strength again my old companion."  
  
Heero flushed and became intently interested in his hamburger.  
  
"The power of your thrusters," Duo continued in his gravelly whisper, "a man controlling you has to be willing to lay it all on the line. I will master you Tallgeese! I'm going to give you everything I've got! I can do it! Tallgeese!!!!!!!"  
  
The color in Heero's cheeks turned a deep shade of crimson.  
  
"What sort of nonsense is this?" Quatre said shaking his head. "I know that Zechs had a soft spot for Tallgeese, but I think that you are way out of line on your portrayal of him Maxie. What do you think Trowz?"  
  
"I think that Zechs thought of Tallgeese like I think of my leather. It's a part of him, and just dam cool." Trowa said running his hand over his hair.  
  
"I never thought of it that way Trowz," Quatre said with a glint of hero worship in his eyes. "You are so cool!"  
  
"Heyyy!" Trowz said flashing his trademark thumbs up to the trio.  
  
Just then Wufei came stumbling back out of the kitchen with a milk shake on his tray.  
  
"Here is your shake Heero," Fei said, his head bobbing up and down.  
  
"Fei's shakes are the best," Heero said taking a sip.  
  
"Hey," Duo pouted, "I didn't get one."  
  
"Oh you guys," Fei gushed embarrassed, "I'll make another if you like them so much."  
  
He turned to head back towards the kitchen when suddenly a gang of five hooligans strolled in the front door.  
  
"The rumors were right, Fei's Diner is the perfect new hangout for our gang, The Turboprops!" The gang leader said striking a pose.  
  
"The Turboprops Rock!" the other four shouted in unison, also striking poses.  
  
"Who the hell do they think they are," Duo snorted, "Sailor Moon?"  
  
"What is a turbo prop?" Quatre asked.  
  
"I think it's a type of airplane engine," Heero said with a shrug. "The precursor to the jet engine."  
  
"The Jets sound more impressive," Duo said with a nod.  
  
The leader of the small gang stopped posing at that and snapped his full attention towards Duo.  
  
"Did you just say you're with the Jets?" He asked.  
  
"No," Duo chortled, "I said that Turboprops sounded lame. You should call yourselves the Jets, it sounds cooler."  
  
"That's name was taken by a gang on the West side, but that's another story," the gang's leader snapped haughtily.  
  
"Touchy little monkey isn't he?" Heero snorted.  
  
"I've always said never give a monkey the keys to the banana plantation."  
  
"When have you ever said that before, Maxie?" Quatre asked incredulously.  
  
It was at that exact moment that the leader of the gang realized he had been insulted. He might be a man of limited mental stature, but he knew he had to act fast to strike fear in the hearts of the disrespectful ones. With a snap of his fingers he gathered his gang. This display of force might be a bit excessive, but it would work. It always worked. The five boys walked and chanted in perfect unison snapping their fingers as they approached.  
  
"When you're a Prop, you're a prop all the way."  
  
The cadence was strong, each man in perfect unison with the others.  
  
"From your first Cigarette, to your last dying day."  
  
The rhythm was perfect, not one step out of line. Now the trouble makers would taste true fear.  
  
"Am I supposed to be scared of that?" Heero asked in disbelief.  
  
"No violence!" Fei said, hiding behind his serving tray, "I run a clean joint here."  
  
Duo rolled his eyes, "I thought the name was lame, but I must give the Props their due, that was worse."  
  
"I thought it was cool," Trowa said.  
  
"Yeah," Quatre said, fawning over Trowa's statement. "If the Trowz says it's cool, then it's the coolest!!!"  
  
Something was wrong. Only the shop keeper seemed affected by their awesome display of rhythm and choreography. More drastic measures were needed. The Gang's leader snatched Heero's milkshake intending to drink it in an intimidating manner.  
  
"Hey!" Shouted Heero snatching it back, "I paid $.75 for that shake. Go buy your own!"  
  
"Ohhh," Duo cooed, "denied!!!"  
  
"Maybe he's just thirsty?" Quatre offered innocently. "Would it hurt to give him a sip?"  
  
"No," Trowa said, "that was a challenge."  
  
Ah, the leather clad one was obviously their leader. He understood gang etiquette.  
  
"The Turboprops challenge your gang to a rumble!" The leader said pointing at Trowa. "Tomorrow, at noon!"  
  
"Why wait?" Heero asked with a smirk, "I'll take you all on now."  
  
The Turboprops leader pointedly ignored Heero, "Oh, and if you want to beat us, you better get a good choreographer, cause when we dance, we dance for keeps!"  
  
"Dance?" Heero asked. "I'm planning on smashing your face with my fist, not taking you out for dinner and dancing."  
  
"Yeah," Duo chimed in, "that's my department. You are planning on taking me out for dinner and a little dirty dancing aren't you?"  
  
"Not now Duo," Heero growled.  
  
"Let me get this straight," Trowz said in his coolest tone. "You want to have a dance off?"  
  
"Oh nothing as simple as that," the leader said, "It's singing and dancing."  
  
Trowz nodded, "No holds barred eh?"  
  
"That's right, you have until noon tomorrow."  
  
The five lads stepped out in unison. Only the sound of their snapping fingers keeping tempo broke the heavy silence.  
  
Heero shook his head in disbelief, "They cannot be serious."  
  
"Oh it's serious all right," Quatre said with a look of concern. "Trowz has told me how dangerous these things can be."  
  
"God forbid one of us get a blister," Duo scoffed. "How would we ever be able to dance then?"  
  
"I say we just go out right now and slap that bunch of sissies into submission," Heero growled.  
  
"No," Trowa said in a commanding tone. "Heero, we can beat them at their own game. Quatre, Fei, do remember how we escaped from that OZ officers' club On L4?"  
  
Wufei twitched and stood a little straighter, "Surely you don't mean . . ."  
  
"Good idea," Quatre said with a smile. "I'll go round up what we need for costumes. You and Fei can go over the routine with Heero and Maxie."  
  
11:50, The Next Day  
  
Fei's diner was hopping. Word of the rumble had spread like the plague, and everyone was here to see the fray.  
  
"Wow, my shop hardly ever gets this busy," Fei said happily, "maybe we should have a rumble night every week."  
  
"It's bad enough that I agreed to do this . . . " Heero curled his lip in disdain, "singing dance-off rumble thingie, but if you think a repeat performance is in the offering, you would be sadly mistaken."  
  
"Aww, c'mon Heero," Duo wheedled, "you look really cute doing it."  
  
"He's got a point Heero," Fei said with a sloppy grin, "your dance moves are perfect."  
  
Heero started to respond but Trowa cut him off.  
  
"Chill out," he said running his hand over his rigid hair again. "Our competition has arrived."  
  
"I've always meant to ask you," Heero said, "how do you manage to keep your hair of yours so rigid?"  
  
"Well, Trowa said seriously, "I have a serious training regimen I do every day to insure that it always maintains this rigid shape."  
  
"Training regimen?" Heero asked in disbelief.  
  
"You mean you have trained your hair to be as stiff as a porcupine quills?" Duo asked incredulously.  
  
"Yes," Trowa said, "there no rest for me in my pursuit of the elusive mayfly of rigidity. I meditate diligently every morning. The subjects are shape and stiffness. I quit after three seconds. Hey, you try meditating for easy hair care, it's not as easy as it looks."  
  
"Does it work?" Heero asked flatly.  
  
"Sometimes it's this stiff when I wake up." Trowa added proudly.  
  
Duo placed his hands behind his head and turned away, "That's more then I needed to know."  
  
Just then, Quatre made his way back into the diner, his arms filled with shopping bags.  
  
"Did you get them?" Trowa asked seriously.  
  
"This batch is even better then the set we have at home." Quatre said proudly.  
  
"What did you do, rob a thrift store?" Heero said peering into the bag that was handed to him.  
  
"Oh my, " Duo blushed, "I do hope that this won't give us a NC-17 rating."  
  
Fei squealed in delight, "Oh thank you Quatre, I always wanted to be this one."  
  
"Hush gentlemen, I do believe that the show is about to begin." Ordered Trowa.  
  
"Ladies and Gentleman," cried the smarmy announcer, "we've got a really big show for you here tonight. I, Jack Rabbit Slim, am pleased to bring you, the Rumble . . . ."  
  
The crowd broke out into a thunderous applause.  
  
"Lets bring up our first contestants, The Turboprops!!!!!"  
  
The leader of the gang stepped up on stage and took the microphone. Behind him, the four gang members took up instruments and waited for his cue.  
  
"One, two, three o'clock, four o'clock rock."  
  
On the dance floor a turboprop and his moll dressed in a pink poodle skirt jumped out onto the dance floor.  
  
"Five, six, seven o'clock, eight o'clock rock."  
  
A second couple hopped out and joined the first on the dance floor.  
  
"Nine , ten, eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock rock."  
  
Two other couples jumped out and joined the first pair.  
  
"We're going to rock around the clock tonight."  
  
The quartet began twisting and gyrating to the music as the lead singer droned on.  
  
"These Happy Days are yours and mine, these happy days . . . ."  
  
"Is this supposed to instill fear in the hearts of all who watch?" Heero asked.  
  
"I'm scared just looking at them," Duo nodded, "I mean, what would happen if some of the Brill cream from their hair got on the floor? You could have a nasty slip hazard."  
  
"Brill cream?" Heero asked stunned, "what the hell is Brill Cream?"  
  
"It's a hair care product," Trowa stated flatly. "Never worked too well on my hair."  
  
"That's because you need hair gel, not hair grease," Quatre said with a smile, "although that tube of Brill cream came in useful later."  
  
The roar of the crowd signaled the end of the Turboprops Props set. With a self-satisfied shrug, the leader surrendered the stage. Trowa stepped up to take his place.  
  
"If youse all would excuse us, my compatriots and I need to suit up for our half of the rumble. We will be on in ten. Heyyyy!!!"  
  
The girls all swooned as Trowz flashed his smile and gave them all a thumbs up.  
  
"Alright guys, to the men's room! It's time to suit up for the rumble."  
  
Ten minutes later, a policeman, a carpenter, a biker, a cowboy, and a smirking Indian emerged from the men's room.  
  
Fei was first. He was wearing a pair of snug fitting spandex bicycle shorts with a belt that sported a pair of handcuffs. The pair of military issue black combat boots on his feet looked spit shined and ready for inspection. A swat helmet was perched on his head, and flack jacket left hanging open to show his bare chest completed his limited ensemble.  
  
He was followed by Quatre. He was wearing a yellow hard-hat and an orange safety vest over his bare chest. His scandalously high cut jean shorts were spared the dreaded NC-17 rating by a large belt of strategically placed tools.  
  
Not to be out done, Trowa had changed too. He had shed his white tee shirt in favor of a pair of tight leather pants that matched his leather coat. A pair of mirrored aviator sunglasses rounded out his costume.  
  
Heero strolled out next. He had on a ten-gallon hat, a blue denim vest and pair of leather chaps that ended at his snakeskin boots with silver spurs. A pair of tight leather shorts was all he had to protect his dignity.  
  
Duo strolled out last, resplendent in his feathered headdress. His face had been painted with red and black stripes, and someone had taken the time to draw a black scythe on his chest. He wore a pair of tan leather bracers on either wrist that dripped leather fringe. The short loincloth and matching moccasins completed his costume.  
  
Complete silence filled the diner as the five took the stage. Trowa stepped up to the microphone and tapped his foot.  
  
"Hey! Hey!" Trowa chanted.  
  
"Hey, hey, hey, hey," The other four chanted in unison.  
  
"Young Man," Trowa started, "there's no need to feel down, I say young man, pick yourself off the ground . . ."  
  
"Heero," Duo hissed.  
  
"What?" Heero replied.  
  
"Is that a ten gallon hat, or are you just happy to see me!"  
  
"Shut up Baka, it's almost the chorus." Heero hissed.  
  
". . . It's fun to stay at the Y. M. C. A." the group sang in unison.  
  
The cosmos stifled a yawn as it felt about it's couch for the remote. It had reached the limit of it's all too brief attention span and now was craving something different. But what? Oh well, let's see what else is playing.  
  
CLICK  
  
"Okay, today on Monster Garage the challenge is to build a mobile doll out of an old VW Bus. Think you can do it?"  
  
"Depends" Heero said flatly, "do you have one around I can borrow parts from?"  
  
CLICK  
  
"But Quatre, I'm not sleeping with your sister's, daughter's, husband's roommate's boyfriend's dog. I can't. I have a terrible disease that will soon kill me in an attractive and non-yucky way."  
  
"Oh, Tro, I knew you wouldn't cheat on me...."  
  
CLICK  
  
"All right! And now on Total Request live it's the latest single by the Gboyz! 'Quit stalking me you Pink Freak!'!  
  
The camera pans over a darkened stage. A spotlight comes on illuminating the drummer. Duo twirls his sticks, grins for the camera and begins a pounding beat, sweat beading attractively on his chest. More spotlights come up illuminating a leather-clad Quatre on keyboards, Trowa in red spandex pants with a base guitar, Wufei cradling a green and gold guitar. The last spotlight illuminates Heero- the mike against his lips, hair falling artfully over his face....  
  
"She follows me everywhere.... Even to my darkest lair...."  
  
CLICK  
  
"Hey guys and gals!" Wufei, in a chinos and a polo shirt leaned over a fake kitchen counter. "Have we got a Today's Special Value for you!"  
  
CLICK  
  
' . . .I'll be there for you.'  
  
Heero walks into Central Perk. "Hi," he says mournfully to the cluster of people on the central sofa.  
  
"What's up with you man?" Trowa looks up, coffee perfectly balanced. "Bad day at the museum?"  
  
"Yeah," Heero sits down on the couch next to Trowa. "Quatre going to start her set soon?"  
  
"Yeah, she wrote a new song about her sisters."  
  
Duo bounces into the coffee shop. "A mocha!" He calls to Wufei who is fighting with his perky haircut behind the counter. "How you doin'?" He asks Heero with a flirtatious grin.  
  
CLICK  
  
A satisfied smile crossed the cosmos's lips as the program line up appeared for the evening shows appeared on the screen. The remote control was laid to rest once more. This channel was perfect.  
  
Stay tuned next week when Quatre says, "Trowa has my ball. You'll have to get it from him." 


	7. Dragon Ball G

Disclaimer: Gundam Wing and Dragon Ball Z are not mine. Any references to Star Wars, the Simpsons, Peter Pan, Annie Get Your Gun, and the Princess Bride are purely intentional.  
  
Last Time, On Dragon Ball G . . . . .  
  
It was exactly twenty episodes ago when the battle of the Oreo began.  
  
Episode 1: "How dare you give me the side with no frosting?" Hegeta demanded!  
  
"Hey settle down," Godu said flipping his braid, "I said I would share it with you and I did!"  
  
"Fool, I am the Prince of the Saiyans and I demand the side with the cream filling!"  
  
"Well all right, I'll let you have it if it means that much to you," Godu smiled. "Not!"  
  
With a deft toss the cookie vanished into Godu's mouth.  
  
"Oh brother," Wufalo groaned, rubbing his green forehead, "I can see this escalating into a multi-episode brawl."  
  
"Sorry Hegeta," Godu smirked, "it slipped."  
  
"Fool, you dare mock your Prince! I will pummel you."  
  
Episode 5: After four episodes of mindless brawling and witty banter, Hegeta gets serious.  
  
"Enough of this fooling around!" Hegeta demanded powering up. "It's time for me to go Super Saiyan and teach you to respect me! Trowks, pay close attention now son, this will be quite a show."  
  
Trowks turned to his partner Quten, "Do you want to tell him that we can already do that, or should I tell him?"  
  
"Ha! That's nothing special, why even my youngest son Quten can do that!" Godu laughed powering up as well.  
  
"No need," Quten sighed, "dad beat me to it."  
  
"If you think blond hair and glowing skin are going to distract me . . . well . . . you're wrong!" Hegeta said distractedly.  
  
"The same goes for you . . radiant . . . blond . . . Prince you!" Godu replied, equally distracted.  
  
Wufalo stepped into the young boy's sight line, blocking their view.  
  
"Don't you two have some training to go do or something?" He asked menacingly.  
  
"Aw Wufalo," Quten whined, "it was just getting interesting too."  
  
"Could you step aside," Trowks snorted, "my dad told me to watch."  
  
"What am I ever going to do with you two?" Wufalo said shaking his head in exasperation.  
  
Episode 10: The fighting had intensified and shirts were artfully torn.  
  
"Well, I was going to save this for later, but what the hell," Godu shrugged. "Prepare yourself for Super Saiyan 2!"  
  
"What now, are you going to go platinum blond or . . . . oohhh . . . sparkly!" Hegeta swooned.  
  
Oh brother," Wufalo grumbled, "if I wasn't under contract to teach the children, I would have left nine episodes ago."  
  
Episode 15: Both fighters are breathing heavy and are sporting battle damage.  
  
"Admit it, my Super Saiyan two form is better then yours!" Hegeta crowed.  
  
"I admit you are better then me," Godu smiled.  
  
"Then why are you smiling?"  
  
"Because I know something you do not."  
  
Hegeta cocked an eyebrow, "What?"  
  
"I am not left-handed."  
  
"What the hell has that got to do with anything?" Hegeta demanded.  
  
"Everything, my right hand is the key to . . . Super Saiyan Three!" Godu pronounced powering up for a third time.  
  
Wufalo shook his head, "I could have gone to the store and bought more Oreos by now."  
  
And now after that brief recap, it's time for today's episode of Dragon Ball G: Conned Fusion.  
  
"Anything you can do, I can do better. I can do anything better than you!" chanted Godu  
  
"No you can't!"  
  
"Yes, I can!"  
  
"No you can't!" Hegeta shouted angrily  
  
"Yes I can! Yes I can!" Duo taunted wagging his tongue.  
  
"Is this a fight or an Irving Berlin musical?" Wufalo groaned, shaking his head.  
  
Hegeta growled and began firing a seemingly endless barrage of energy balls at Godu from the palms of his hands. Godu laughed and swatted them away like flies.  
  
Trowks tugged on Wufalo's white cape, "Quten and I are bored, can we go play?"  
  
"No, If I have to sit and watch, then we all have to," grumbled Wufalo.  
  
"Why do you have to watch?" Quten asked.  
  
"Because the fate of the world may depend on who wins this fight."  
  
"This fight is that serious?" Quten asked.  
  
"Absolutely!" Wufalo nodded sagely.  
  
"So let me get this straight, the fate of the world depends on who gets the frosted side of an Oreo cookie?" Trowks asked incredously. "A cookie I might add, that has already been eaten."  
  
Wufalo stood silent for a moment, a large sweat drop forming on the back of his head.  
  
"It does sound a bit silly when you put it like that." he conceded.  
  
"All right Hegeta, enough fun and games." Godu said posing. "It's time you tasted a little of my true power."  
  
"Bring it on bottle blond," Hegeta taunted.  
  
Godu cupped his hands together and drew them back towards his chest, chanting all the while.  
  
"Ka - ma . . . Su - tra . . . Ha!"  
  
"Oh No!" Wufalo groaned overdramatically, "Not the Kama Sutra Wave!!!"  
  
"Why not?" Quten shrugged, "mom is always relaxed after he uses it on her. Maybe this will help Hegeta to relax."  
  
"I doubt it," Trowks snorted. "My dad is more uptight then a new alter boy at the Vatican."  
  
Godu's Kama Sutra wave slammed hard into Hegeta. The Saiyan Prince groaned with the effort it took to redirect the force away from Kami's lookout. As the wave receded, both men were panting, their energy spent.  
  
"If you two are through with your little spat, I'd like to point out an observation made by young Trowks here. The cookie you are both fighting over was eaten twenty episodes ago." Wufalo preached, his arms folded.  
  
Both men floated silently for a moment.  
  
"He's got a good point," Godu shrugged, "I did eat the cookie in the first episode."  
  
"Nonsense, this fight is based on principles and . . . and . . ."  
  
"And the fact you wanted the frosted side of the cookie." Godu snorted. "With it gone, there is nothing left to fight over except the principle of the thing."  
  
Hegeta stroked his chin in thought, "True, if only there was a way to retrieve the missing half of the cookie, then this fight would have real relevance once again."  
  
"What about the Dragon Balls?" Quten asked innocently enough. "We haven't gone on a quest for those in over twenty episodes. Isn't that the point to this show?"  
  
"My boy has got a good point," Godu said nodding his approval. "I mean, dragon ball is right in the title and everything."  
  
"More importantly, if we retrieve all seven we can bring back the cookie!" Hegeta rhapsodized. "We must go and retrieve the balls, and do it quickly."  
  
"Do you realize how monumental this task could be?" Wufalo said seriously.  
  
"It shouldn't take too long," Godu said with a smile, "I know that my son has a ball, isn't that right Quten?"  
  
Quten shrugged, "Trowa has my ball, you'll have to get it from him."  
  
Everything froze as the G boys all stared at Quten. They were dumb struck. Sure they had all wanted to shed their lame dragon ball names for their older yet infinitely cooler Gundam names, but no one wanted to piss off the cosmos more then they already had. It was a well-known fact that this was how things could go from bad, to worse.  
  
"Did you just call me Trowa, Quten?" Trowks blinked in disbelief.  
  
"OOPS, sorry, my bad. What I meant to say was 'Trowks has my ball. You will have to get it from him. Sorry."  
  
The universe unfroze as the boys resumed the story line.  
  
"Is this true? Are you holding Quten's Ball?" Hegeta asked.  
  
"Yes," Trowks said.  
  
"Great," Godu cheered, "one down, six to go!"  
  
"Not necessarily," Wufalo said with narrowing eyes. "I had a pair of balls, and Trowks won them away from me one poker night."  
  
"Hey that's right," Godu said with a grin, "he won my balls that same night. Your son is one cutthroat poker player Hegeta."  
  
Hegeta rubbed his chin in thought, "As near as I recall, you took my balls that same night. Whose idea was it to play sake poker any anyway?"  
  
Trowks smiled, "Mine. It seemed the best way to keep the dragon balls in one place in case some major catastrophe occurs."  
  
Godu was counting aloud on his fingers, " . . . Two of mine, two of Hegeta's two of Wufalo's and one of Quten's . . . carry the one . . . Seven! That makes seven Dragon balls that Trowks has got! Wow, that quest for the Dragon Balls was kind of anti-climatic."  
  
"Who says I'm going to give them to you for something as trivial as bringing a cookie back for you two to fight over?" Trowks snorted.  
  
"Actually, it's only half a cookie," Godu offered.  
  
"Yes, the half with the cream filling," Hegeta growled angrily. "It should have been mine!"  
  
"I don't care if you guys wanted the entire Nabisco Corporation, I'm not giving you the dragon balls!" Trowks growled, his hands on his hips. "If we use them frivolously we won't have them to revive the earth or loved ones when the next major earth destroying catastrophe happens."  
  
"How often do you think that happens?" Hegeta snorted.  
  
"In this show, about once a year. I'd say we are due."  
  
"Boy," growled Hegeta angrily, "give me the balls."  
  
"Eat my shorts, man!"  
  
"Why you little . . . . Doh!" Hegeta cried as he began to chase Trowks around the lookout.  
  
"Oh dear, " Godu said mildly, "you really shouldn't antagonize your father."  
  
The two lapped the Outlook several times before they came to a stop panting and out of breath.  
  
"If you want to keep your balls, "Wufalo said sagely to Trowks, "You and Quten will have to perform the Fusion technique I have taught you and fight your father."  
  
"Fusion?" Hegeta asked. "As in combining two bodies into one?"  
  
"Oh yeah, I forgot I taught you how to do that!" Godu smiled. "If the boys could fuse, they would be very hard to beat."  
  
"How does this fusion work?"  
  
"Well, the two of us have to work in unison, all the while chanting Fusion- Ha!" Godu said matter of factly.  
  
"Which mind controls the body?  
  
"Well, the dominate one mostly, but traits of both fighters will be parts of the personality." Godu shrugged, "Why do you ask?"  
  
Hegeta stroked his chin thoughtfully. "You and I will fuse and we will face off against our fused sons. Now get over here, I've been waiting a long time for this fusion."  
  
Wufalo looked confused at the stance the two men were taking, "What are you doing standing behind Godu Hegeta . . . . Oh Sweet Namic, My Eyes! My poor alien eyes!" The Namic ran off screaming holding his hands over his eyes.  
  
Floating above and working in perfect unison, the pair of fighters continued chanting "Fusion-Ha!"  
  
Quten elbowed Trowks, "That's not the dance we do to fuse?"  
  
"No, but it looks like it might be a lot of fun," Trowks said with a grin.  
  
"Yeah, maybe later though, I want to save my energy for the fight."  
  
"Good point, shall we fuse?"  
  
"Absolutely," Trowks smiled.  
  
The Two boy's Stood side by side, synched their breathing and did a careful little dance move.  
  
"Fu-sion-Ha!" The pair chanted merging to become one.  
  
"Oh," grunted Hegeta, "That's what you guys meant by fusion. Look's kind of sissy to me."  
  
"I definitely like your way better," Godu smiled, "although next time I get to be dominate."  
  
"Deal," Hegeta nodded. "Well, shall we try it their way?"  
  
"You got it," Godu agreed.  
  
The two men copied their sons and did the sissy dance.  
  
"Fu-sion-Ha!" The men chanted also becoming one.  
  
Qutowk rubbed is eyes and did a few quick stretches before looking up to see the fused Hegedu form before his eyes.  
  
"Wow, I guess their way works too," He shrugged, "I'll have to try it their way next time."  
  
"I didn't know the power," Hegedu grinned flexing his fists, "of the fused side!"  
  
"I have no wish to fight you," Qutowk said flexing his muscles.  
  
"There's no need for us to fight. Instead, let's have a power-up pose- off," Hegedu suggested.  
  
"O.K., Me first!" Qutowk's said turning his back to his father. "Buns of Steel!" He cried clenching tightly.  
  
"Impressive, most impressive, " Hegedu smiled , "But you're not a Super Saiyan yet."  
  
Hegedu pulled off his shirt and flexed, "Abs Of Iron!" He cried out, making his stomach look like a washboard.  
  
Just then, Wufalo returned from his lap of the outlook. He looked at the pair of Fused Saiyan's in disbelief. Qutowk had his back turned to his father, buns clenched, while his father was standing behind him half undressed.  
  
"No, you mustn't," He cried out in dismay. "You are father's and son's! Oh curse my Namic body I wasn't fast enough."  
  
Both the fused fighters stopped their pose off and threw curious looks at Wufalo.  
  
"What is he going on about?" Qutowk asked.  
  
"I don't know," Hegedu shrugged, "maybe his little brain has snapped from all the power we are putting out."  
  
"Whatever, it's my turn again," Qutowk said.  
  
He clenched his fists and powered up to super Saiyan mode. He then struck a cutesy pose and cried out, "Chibi Super Saiyan!"  
  
"Ohh," cooed Hegedu.  
  
"Ahh," sighed Wufalo, "he's just so cute!"  
  
"Very clever my son," Hegedu nodded, "but it's not enough to win this day."  
  
He too powered up and struck a pose, crying out "Bishonen Super Saiyan!"  
  
"Wow!" Qutowk nodded appreciatively.  
  
"My oh my," Wufalo nodded, "All that cheesecake needs is a little chocolate syrup!"  
  
"Playing hard ball eh," Qutowk nodded. "All right then, let's kick it up a notch!"  
  
Qutowk shook with the effort and powered up to super Saiyan two and struck a runway model pose.  
  
"Mega Glam Super Saiyan!"  
  
His little body threw glittery sparkles everywhere.  
  
"He looks kind of like . . . Tinkerbell?" Hegedu said shaking his head.  
  
"I can fly, I can fly, I can fly!" Wufalo laughed as he floated up in the air.  
  
"Oh brother," Hegedu sighed rolling his eyes. "My turn."  
  
Hegedu Powered up to super Saiyan two, and ripped off his pants, and struck another pose, "Calvin Klein Super Saiyan two!"  
  
"Hey, no fair," Qutowk whined, "I'm too young to be an underwear model. How can I possibly compete with that?"  
  
"You can't," Wufalo nodded, "there's not doubt in my mind who the winner is."  
  
"All right all right, I give up," Qutowk sighed. "Just put your pants back on."  
  
"You will give me the dragon balls?" Hegedu asked, retrieving his pants.  
  
"Yeah, yeah, just keep your pants on."  
  
A half hour later . . .  
  
"Ready every one, lets combine our balls and summon the great dragon." Hegeta said.  
  
The seven balls were brought together and began to glow. Smoke rose from the glowing spheres and the shape of the eternal dragon Shenlong took shape.  
  
"Oh, I just love this part," Quten said.  
  
"Hey while they are occupied, do you want to try our dad's fusion technique?" Trowks said with a wicked grin.  
  
Quten nodded with a smile, "Only if I get to go first."  
  
"Deal!" Trowks said, and the two boys slipped off behind a large bush to practice "fusing".  
  
Meanwhile the Great Dragon Shenlong finally formed fully. It's great glowing eyes focused on the two men standing before him.  
  
"What is your wish?" It demanded in a thunderous tone.  
  
Hegeta stepped forward, "Four twenty long episodes we have battled for who has the right to possess it, only to find that it was gone. Great Shenlong, we wish for its return!"  
  
"What is it?"  
  
Godu stepped forward, "The Oreo."  
  
Shenlong looked puzzled at this comment, "What is this . . . Oreo?"  
  
"It is a cookie Great Shenlong," Hegeta said boldly.  
  
"A cookie?"  
  
"Well, to be more precise, it's only half a cookie," Godu interrupted. "The frosted half."  
  
"Half a cookie?"  
  
"Yes, mighty Shenlong," Hegeta said, his chest swelling.  
  
"You two mortals traveled far and wide, gathered all seven Dragon Balls and summoned me here to resurrect half a cookie," Shenlong voice had grown dangerously quiet.  
  
"That's right, we need it to regain the relevance of our mighty battle," Godu stated, trying to puff his chest out even further.  
  
The Great Shenlong paused for a moment in thought.  
  
"No," he stated flatly, "I absolutely will not use my cosmic powers to resurrect half a cookie. What ever happened to the meaningful wishes like, Shenlong, please return to life all the people we killed whilst fighting over said Cookie!"  
  
"Half a cookie," Godu corrected.  
  
"That's even worse." The Dragon snapped irritably, "you don't even want a whole cookie just half of one!"  
  
"The frosted half," Hegeta reminded Shenlong.  
  
"Enough of this farce," Shenlong roared, "Your children are acting more grown up then you are."  
  
"Really?" Hegeta asked, "What are they doing that's so mature?"  
  
Four sets of eyes turned to the lone bush that was shaking on the rocky hillside. Mighty Shenlong who commanded the heights had the best view, as he focused on the two youngsters.  
  
"Fusion - Ha!" the two groaned in unison.  
  
"Oh My Eyes!" The Mighty Shenlong shouted shuddering. "My immortal dragon eyes! May I live to see a thousand years and never see such a sight again!"  
  
With a last howl of pain and rage, the dragon dispersed the dragon balls to the seven corners of the earth and vanished. The trio approached the bush and Wufalo peered over the top first. The sight that presented itself caused twin fountains of blood to erupt from his nose as he keeled over backwards and collapsed. The fathers shrugged and peered over themselves.  
  
"Oh how cute," Godu smiled, "They are practicing the Fusion Technique. Do you think we should tell them that way doesn't work?"  
  
"Na, Let them enjoy themselves," Hegeta nodded, "they're just boys after all."  
  
"Let's leave them be," Godu said reaching his hand inside his tunic.  
  
"Yes lets let them play in private," Hegeta agreed, then frowned as he noticed Godu untwisting something. "What is that?"  
  
Godu smiled, "This? It's another Oreo. They come in packs you know."  
  
Hegeta face reddened, "You had another cookie the whole time?"  
  
"About half a pack actually," Godu shrugged munching away contentedly on his cookie.  
  
"Why did you never mention this before?"  
  
"You never asked?" Godu shrugged. "Besides I like fighting, it's my hobby."  
  
"I am going to kill you Godu!" Hegeta growled, "Just you wait, when I get my hands around your scrawny little . . . "  
  
Stay tuned Next time when Trowa says, "Go all the way Heero, I know you can do it!" 


End file.
